This month seems hellbent on being super-busy; I cannot wait until it’s past and we’re back to calmer waters. Having said that, perhaps the extra stuff is helping keep my brain from finding reasons to freak out? It’s a probability, but that doesn’t meant I like doing and doing so much either. I keep expecting to hit a point where I just totally break down from doing too much, though I suspect that’s not as likely to happen as I think it could. After all, I’ve been using avoidant behavioral patterns to keep myself from overdoing it, so there’s a real likelihood my actual limit is further out that I realize.
Whatever the case, I guess I can be thankful that I still feel on edge. It definitely helps stop me from getting to that point so many bipolar-havers hit where they think they don’t need their meds anymore. That isn’t to say that people are unable to self-manage, especially after years of experience with cocktails and the like, but I’m new to medication and knowing that I’m bipolar. It is definitely not the time for me to consider whether or not being unmedicated is an option, yanno? But also, I did self-manage for so long that I am beyond grateful for the bit of help pharma brings into my life.
Anyhoos, I shall just have to keep on keeping on.
i can’t believe it. i’m seriously sitting here dumbfounded because i’ve never been in this situation before. it’s so frustrating that i just want to shout or cry. i also feel completely ridiculous. here’s why.
so, i wrote about the guy who never called last time. i am alternating days where on some i am totally okay with it, and on others i am bugging. the. fuck. out. today is one of the latter.
i mean, i’m doing this to myself. i keep looking him up on the other dating websites i’m on and every single fucking time i conclude that we are completely fucking compatible and should be dating NOW. or at least getting to know each other. texting even? fuck…
our chemistry/personality/relationship needs quizzes all show the same outcomes. his descriptions and style are right up my alley. i just can’t fucking believe that i found someone so compatible but who DIDN’T FEEL THE SAME WAY.
i might sound like an ass, but THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE. i am just unable to comprehend this situation. acceptance is NOT happening. i want to bang my head against a wall.
i try not to spend too much time dissecting my behavior. he was all into me, it seemed, and then… silence. what did i miss? was it something i said? did i have food in my teeth? what part of me isn’t good enough for you, mister? what turned you off? what changed your mind? why didn’t you give me a chance?