Daily Archives: January 12, 2013

Maybe Okay

I’m still not sure whether or not the depressive spell has passed, but at least I’m feeling decent enough today to sort of kind of want to do stuff. Which means that I’ve picked my crochet back up, and maybe I’ll make some progress on that. Beyond that… I guess I’m watching out the windows and wondering if we’ll see snow. I find precipitation soothing, which is part of why I’m still bemused that I was so depressed through such a wonderfully rainy December!
I guess that’s about it. I’ll continue to be mindful and wary, but all in all… I can’t complain about right now. :) <3

FREAK FREAK FREAK!

That is the message my brain is sending me at the moment. I am an absolute freak.

Coming off of one med while starting a new one really is a sucky deal.

I went from absolute gleeful mania to down in the dumps oh woe is me depression in three days. I do not like it. I miss manic. I miss happy. I miss not feeling this way.

For three days, rather than racing creative thoughts compelling me to not want to be at the shop because I could be at home CREATING, I now have a nagging depressed brain overtaxed with generalized anxiety telling me YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE, THIS SUCKS, YOU ARE EXHAUSTED, YOU NEED A BREAK, YOU ARE BURNING THE CANDLE AT BOTH ENDS.

And of course, this pretty much describes the whole of society, not like I am special.

But I am different and I have been feeling myself coming unraveled for months. Laundry piling up,things getting too far behind around the house, going out with my clothes covered in cat hair, forgetting to brush my kid’s hair or put on deodorant…I am slipping. And because I am functioning no one cares. Until I fail, then everyone will shake their heads and say, “She just couldn’t hack it-again.”

(My counselor thinks I am being paranoid, but I don’t like her and i think she sucks at her job. I’d rather be counseled by the Marquis de sade.)

The whole week has been interminable and grueling.

Today was torture.

I prolonged it by agreeing to go to R’s house this evening so Spook could play with his granddaughter.

My mood tanked on an epic scale and I did not want to be there on so many levels. I sat and pasted on the happy face and felt like the biggest fake on the planet because i was screaming inside. GET ME OUT OF HERE, I HATE THIS, LET ME GO HOME, LET ME WALLOW IN THE DARKNESS THAT HAS TRAPPED MY MIND!!!

My brain is telling me I am a freak…

Because I am a freak.

And while I want nothing more than be alone right now…

I really hate feeling THIS alone.