Daily Archives: January 6, 2013

Mommycide

My kid has been…I want to say horrendous, but I suppose she is a normal kid and I am the one who is just too mentally damaged, too impatient, too high strung, too…

I want to commit mommycide. (Which isn’;t like murder or suicide, it’s like crawling into a closet and putting my hands over my ears and pretending I have no idea who this mommy person is.)

Obviously I am not strong enough to handle being a mom. I am irritable, irate, snappish, and so stressed out and anxiety ridden, I just want to run screaming from home and go live in a bloody rubber room.

For 11 hours it has been non stop chatter, non stop being poked with a metaphoric stick, non stop whining and demands and no matter how firmly I tell her to go to her room, she won’t listen. I am as significant to her as a candy wrapper which she just throws on the floor even though she knows to put it in the trash.

She doesn’t care.

What 3 year old does?

I don’t even know what is normal toddler behavior anymore.

I just know my entire mental state is like being assaulted by nails on a chalkboard and every sound out of her causes me physical pain and drives my stress level over the top.

I am trying to be patient.

I told my counselor I sometimes give myself a time out and put my kid in her room.

She told me it should be for no more than ten minutes and by doing it for an hour, I am in the wrong.

Frankly, I hate my counselor and think she is the worst therapy in history.

I figure if I have had to put my kid in her room for ten minutes enough time that it adds up to an hour…she deserves it.

I make sure she is changed, fed, and comfortable. I check on her periodically.

But in order to avoid mommycide, I almost have to give one of us a time out.

I am sure soooo many people are gonna have an opinion and tell me I wrong and blah blah blah.

SPARE ME.

Yesterday was a beautiful day for mom and daughter, we had fun and connected and my mood, while low, and my anxiety, while high, were manageable.

Today not so much, because she has been demanding and antagonistic from the word go and I feel out of sorts.

This too, shall pass.

Until it does…

I am on the edge of mommycide.


Neutral Ground

I am feeling okay today. I don’t think it’s a return to a stable period, but yanno… counting blessings and all of that. But still, part of me wishes I was able to derive joy from naps. I flopped out on my bed for a moment when fetching my book, but the immediate dizziness from being flattish was very unpleasant. I tend to forget about my vertigo issues because I work around them by default (it’s been an issue for the last decade or so. No, it’s not nice).

Still, it would be nice to be able to lay down and enjoy stillness. It felt good for that split second. I’m always so busy trying to keep my brain shut up that enjoying stillness is a rare treat.

That’s about it, though I do offer for amusement sake a video of Lego Legolas up an elephant’s butt, compliments of my husband:

http://www.zaxxonwyzad.com/pictures/main.php?g2_itemId=13400

<3