Daily Archives: January 1, 2013

Not Much to Say

I’m not much of one for the new year//resolution thing. I won’t hate on myself with disordered eating and damaging exercise regimes to attempt to conform to what is supposed to be the ‘right’ sort of body. My body is healthy and fine and does what I need it to do much better near to ‘fat’ than it did when I had a supposedly ideal body. I won’t change who I am when I like who I am, nor make promises of improvement because of a specific day. Self-improvement is a life-long commitment path I put myself on as a child, and making silly promises seems sort of a trivial insult to that commitment. That’s just my take on it though — I do appreciate some people actually make use of the concept of the new year to make some significant improvements in their lives.

For me though, it’s just another day that I commit myself to trying to get by. I commit myself again to trying to be a better person, and to consider kindness where I can. I will continue to teach myself new things as opportunities present itself. In short… I will continue to be the me that I am instead of the me I am not, and we together will continue to grow and love and enjoy our existence the best we can in spite of the bipolar trying to make with the stealth-murderin’.

Hope everyone is having a good day whatever your take on today is.

<3

Another New Year

Another year and I wonder why you won’t be here again Another new beginning to time       another milestone, another end. Longer without you as days go by. [...]

Narcissistic? The insecurity monster

I was invited to someone’s house tonight for the new year.

I opted to bow out and just stay home with my kid.

Because my mood is not conducive to company and I have plenty of self interests that don’t require audience participation.

Does this make me narcissistic?

According to my mother, yes. I am the most self absorbed person on the planet because I often prefer being alone to being around other people.

My old counselor told me it was sign of my strength and ability to not need others to amuse me. Self sufficiency.

While my mom is a nutter whom I cannot please no matter what I do and I know my counselor was right…there are times, like tonight, when the insecurity monster seeps in and I wonder…

Am I a narcissist?

My current counselor, even though I don’t like her style of counseling-says I am NOT narcissistic or borderline.

But my mom’s nasty words are insidious and I wonder if wanting to be alone is some sort of personality disorder.

Of course, I recognize that this is insane. Enjoying one’s own company is healthy. It is actually something the world could use more of. Personally, when the insecurity monster isn’t creeping up on me, I think wanting to spend the night home,with my kid, is a sign of my maturity and security in myself.

Maybe I am nuts.

Maybe I am not.

Twas not a horrible day.

We had a snowstorm.

R’s stepson visited and nicknamed me “wicked witch of the east” but told me I do not look like I am about to turn 40. From a 25 year old, that’s a compliment.

I was manic.

Then I wasn’t.

All I looked forward to the entire day was an evening alone.

I should want to be with others, I guess.

I don’t.

Being with my kid is enough. She makes me laugh. I don’t understand parents who don’t want to see their kids. I cannot, even in my most altered mindset, imagine going one day without seeing my kid.

But I am the crazy one?

Sorry, I don’t buy it.

My New Year’s resolution?

To get this child potty trained. She’s 3 years and five months old and has zero interest.They say kids potty train in their own time. Her doctor expected her to be trained at age 2. Spook is having none of it. It’s like banging my head against a wall.The more I force it, the more resistant she is.

But it has to be done. I don’t want to have to change her pull up at high school graduation.

Blah.

Yada yada.

Happy Ghoul year.

The manic episodes never occur when it would be socially beneficial.