Daily Archives: December 18, 2012

Holiday Shopping Guide: the ADHD Edition

How could I make gift suggestions for bipolars without also coming up with ideas for the terminally distracted? My list …

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Needs More Caffeine

As the bumper sticker on my first car announced to the world, I am a caffeine-based lifeform. And I am feeling it in the foggy brain department today. Granted, that could be due to dust or mold, but I have no idea. All I know is if I throw beverage at it, it sort of lifts eventually. *raises mug of Airborne in toast to the world*

I’m still feeling some of the chemical/hormonal sad today, but I think it’s lessened. It’s always hard to tell, since part of being depressed is getting quickly used to being down and out. That is to say, you’re going down down and you just sort of accept it until you hit bottom, and then whelp, how do we get out of this one. I know that I convince myself every bit of the slope down that I’ve found some sort of balance, nevermind that it’s merely managing to stay upright as the rock under me skids off into the distance.

Still, I tell myself now and every time, perhaps this time won’t be as bad. Perhaps there’s enough Seroquel in my system that it’ll pull me up short and stop me from hitting that terrible bottom. If only optimism could truly give a person wings; if it did, I’d definitely have the power of flight. And maybe it does help… it’s always hard to tell, since it always ends up the same time and time again.

Anyhoos, I shall take myself and buckle down on doing some work. This is the last week before Christmas, after all, and I definitely want to hit our break knowing that I’ve got most things squared away.

<3

It’s time to make a stand!

I’m feeling the need to get pro active. After this Sandy Hook incident, people are now saying that people with mental disorders need to be locked up, and those that are locked up, LIKE being locked up!

REALLY? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS!?!?

I have been blessed in the way that I have not been institutionalized or held on lock-down. But I know of people who have, and I can tell you, it was no vacation! What the hell are these naysayers thinking????

I need to figure out how to become active in the stand to break the stigma! I feel a fire burning in my soul for this. I need to get out there and DO something! And I know if I make that step, and take a stand, others will follow! I just have think of something to do! Something that will MAKE AN IMPACT!

Who is with me? Share ideas! Time is of the essence!

Mental and Physical Block

Reblogged from rmott62:

It has been too hard to write, for finally I am coming into life.

I will be 50 on Monday, and this landmark is bringing out my grief and a rage that is blocking my words.

I feel I cannot understand what age is, for I do believe I came into life without rape, torture and wanting death until I was 30.

Read more… 517 more words

Rebecca Mott's courageous voice screams in agony against the routinised torture that is prostitution.

Have you ever felt your heart pounding in your throat?

R asked me that question today, as he was about to try a “creative” fix for a tv, which could result in the tv working or blowing up.

I didn’t say it aloud but YES I KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE EXACTLY BECAUSE I LIVE MY ENTIRE LIFE THAT WAY, FFS.

And I do. It’s not some affectation. My entire life is lived on the edge of a panic, feeling my heartbeat in my throat, paralyzed with fear and trepidation.

Of course I know how it feels.

But he thought enough of it to mention it.

Yet that is how I live my entire life yet I should make no mention of it because, well my fear isn’t logical and normal.

Bloody hell.

It was not a good day.

I was carrying Spook inside to my mom’s, and I tripped, we both went down and she bonked her head and I scraped my knees raw to the point they are swollen like oranges and raw. Spook proved more resilient than I.

Finally got the car going,even though it was in the middle of a snow/rainstorm.

The cold settled into my bones and I couldn’t shake it.

\My kid lost a shoe in the snow so I had to take Christmas money to buy her new shows.

All the while, my heart is thundering and my mind is on overload and I just don’t want to deal with all the bullshit anymore…Yet I keep on going, wondering if I am strong enough or if eventually, I will fall on my face, crushed under the weight of it all.

Mood up.

Mood down.

Mood in between.

Panic panic panic.

The Cymbalta has helped with the crippling depression, but it has canceled out the Xanax and brought about a whole new level of panic and anxiety that is constant.

Lovely.

Thankfully, it is bedtime.

Reboot.

I see the sunshine spewing counselor for the first time in two months tomorrow.

Wonder how she can make me feel even shittier. She always manages.

Too bad they didn’t have a pill for hope.

I am about out.

Reality does not replenish.