Maybe there is something wrong with me? Trust me when I say, I feel a deep pain. All of those people, both children and adults that are gone forever because of one person. All of those parents that lost a child, or God forbid, children yesterday. It makes me so sad that you can’t even feel safe in a school anymore.
I watched a bit of the coverage yesterday. And I have to say, my immediate thought was “This guy had mommy issues”, “He didn’t want his mommy to give anyone else his love.” Much like a stalker I suppose. And maybe my first thought went there, because I was stalked once. I felt sorry for him. I truly felt sorry for him, because I get that pain he felt. The confusion. The anger. I get it. And I feel sorry for him that he felt this was the only way to deal with his pain. I’m sure he felt alone, and in a deep dark hole, and felt this was the only way to get out.
And I question myself. WHY do I feel sorry for him? Am I that fucked in the head that I can relate to someone to that degree? Or am I that compassionate? I mean, I have no idea.
Everyone is mad at the guy. And yes, I am too! As a parent, I don’t understand WHY he did what he did. But as a person with a mental illness, I totally get it. I totally get why he went there. And then I go back to “How can you even relate to someone THAT fucked up?!?!”
And I want to tell all these people that are mad at this guy, that he couldn’t help it, in a round about way. It was reported that he had a personality disorder. People have no sympathy for this guy. And I really understand that. But they also need to think about, how someone with a mental illness lives. Because you can’t SEE anything wrong with us, that doesn’t mean we are ok. We need help and understanding. This guy apparently didn’t get any or enough.
Everyone says if we had stricter control over guns, that this wouldn’t have happened. I’m more inclined to believe that if we as a society had a better understanding of mental illness, a lot of these tragedies would never happen to begin with.
And that is my 2 cents…