Daily Archives: December 14, 2012

Presents! We have presents!: A very special Festivus post

Reblogged from The Waiting: I could write an introduction, but who would read it? No one. Because….. THIS IS THE …

Continue reading »

Tic Tic…

I annoyed the ever-living crap out of myself yesterday by biting off all of my nails. They weren’t even that long; I’ve found recently that any length whatsoever has started to freak me out and drive me around the bend. So I had to sit around with raggedy chewed-off nail bits for hours until I could get home and file them and make them less wretched… fun. I’d been doing so good lately at not biting them, so it’s frustrating that the compulsion to do it was just that overwhelming. The relief was semi-worth it though, sort of.

That’s something in general I really need to make sure the doctor listens to at my next appointment — there continues to be a noticeable number of really obnoxious tics and triggers that didn’t exist before I got on the Seroquel (or were easier to ignore). I can’t be in several yards of my father-in-law now because he triggers me ten ways to Sunday (proximity, blocking of exits, sounds, smells, etc). There are several objects that I *have* to arrange just so. I’m sure I’ve mentioned them all here before, but still, they haven’t lodged themselves so firmly into my mind that I remember to pass them on. And as we all know, we tend to think less of our various problems and side-effects than we should, so it would behoove me to make sure they are noted, recorded, stamped, sealed, the lot.

Past that, I’d class my current state as neutral. I don’t think it’s balanced, per se, but I’m feeling tolerable at this exact second. I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t take much to swing me all over, which encourages me to take up avoidant behavior. I’m not going to hide from the world, per se, but I am going to think carefully about whom I talk to about what. I’m going to cherish that extra bit of thinking room I have with the anxiety pushed back that little bit to make sure I don’t throw myself into deep water with my big fat opinionated mouth (which I love, by the by. I love that I have opinions).

Back to le grind!

<3

The ebb and flow of cyclothymia

I started the day out almost manic.

The good mood held for a couple of hours. Then started slipping.

By mid afternoon, I was ready to go home and forget about everything. Including myself, because honestly, I take mood stabilizers and yet I can’t hang on to a mood for more than a few hours? REALLY?

Remind me again why I am putting this poison into my veins if it merely helps, but doesn’t actually “fix” things?

Oh, right.

Trying to conform to the norm.

To be what others think I should be.

Praying for a miracle that will make my brain behave properly.

Blah.

I won’t say I am completely depleted right now, but I am looking forward to bed because there’s only so much reality I can deal with. There are things I cannot change that drive me insane. Then again, sometimes, according to a mood shift, those same things won’t even phase me.

I am consistent at being inconsistent.

Bipolar two is my diagnosis, but technically I am bipolar three/cyclothymia.

Bipolar one is more ups than downs.

Bipolar two is more downs than ups.

Cyclothymia is a neverending merry go round of both, with extremes of both ends of the spectrum and everything in between. You can’t really get your bearings, ever. Which means anyone in your life is also on the roller coaster ride and of course, given an option, no one chooses to stay on that right.

I personally don’t want to be on it. I just don’t have a choice.

Nearly bedtime.

Then another round of rinse, lather, repeat. It seems so utterly pointless. I get better, I get worse, I get even worse, I improve, I get worse, get better…It never fucking ends.

It’s exhausting.

Not to be a whiner, but this is really tiresome. I keep going but the quality of life is questionable sometimes.

THIS is cyclothymia, the lesser known sibling of bipolar one and two.

Even my disorder is the abnormal of the norm.

Stellar.