Daily Archives: December 12, 2012
Good Day Friends and Folks, I hope this finds you well and getting in the mood for the holidays. Especially if you haven’t quite caught on to the excitement and all that ..stuff Last year I wrote about the magic of Christmas and how my mother and grandmother, RIP, were able to transform Christmas time … Continue reading
Every day, I mean to come here and update. I mean to come back and post daily and get back into the habit. Even if nothing much is going on, it’s a good record of my day-to-day mental health. Between my private blog, microblogging nightly to G+, and general busy-ness… well, excuses, excuses.
How am I today, then? I’m okay-ish. I’ve been rocking a cold for weeks, and maybe it’s lifting now… maybe. It’s hard to tell. My mood has stabilized out after it crashed post-NaNoWriMo… I think. I’ve had a few wobblies come my way by making the mistake of trying to share parts of my life on Facebook, but I’ve not decided if that’s going to deter me or not. Most of the people from ‘real’ life are there, so it would make sense that I’d try to share my life there. But it doesn’t feel worth it when people try to bully you into being mad with them, or others rush to be ‘helpful’. Dudes and dudelettes, when it is so easy to not give unsolicited advice, why are so many people still giving unsolicited advice? It’s as simple as ‘May I offer a suggestion?’, and waiting for the target to agree. The onus of receipt is then upon the target, making the giver seem like less of a jerkstore. But maybe that much deference and submission is too hard for many? Beats me. Not to say that I’ve not given unsolicited advice a time or two (we all do), but I mainly do my best to respect the desires, wishes, and autonomy of others.
I’m also bemused that me being honest about my mental health state is, apparently, me making excuses for my behavior. Funny, I didn’t think that trying to make clear my existence with Bipolar II and how I try to keep my life sane was a bad thing! Having said that, it could be a cultural or generational thing; even now, it’s considered ‘wrong’ to be open about your mental health issues. Which is silly to me. I have Bipolar II. I am not a murder, nor am I likely to ‘flip out’ and do something ‘crazy’. I am doing my part to put a face to mental health disorders and showing that, oh hey, even with the crippling depression I’m saddled with, I’m still living a full and productive life. I’m also honest about things that are problem spots, such as how the problems with continuing and recurrent depression will probably continue to sabotage my social abilities for the rest of my life. But in that, it also tells me who my ‘real’ friends are going to be when I need them, hee hee.
Anyhoos, that’s enough semi-babble for now. I need to finish my coffee, and try to ignore the stupid headache. I’ve been taking pain meds once a day for the past week because of it, and it annoys me due to the probable reduction in efficacy. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t right? Ah well.
I can’t say it was a bad day, nothing too cataclysmic happened.
But it was a very high strain high drain day.
I started out semi panic.
Then it became manic panic.
Just seemed like too many people making demands of me. I only have so much to give and I feel like I have been bankrupted today.
R is teaching me electronics stuff, meanwhile I have to answer the phone and fill out tickets, then his family members are coming to ask me to burn them discs, while my phone is blowing up and Kenny is asking me to put his laundry into the dryer there at the shop since he didn’t have time…My brain came very close to shorting out. I wanted to yank out clumps of hair. I do not process things the same way as others, it would seem, and rather than have grace under pressure…I melt down and freak out.
THEN I survive the day, thinking I will have a peaceful evening at home…Ha ha ha, my kid is acting out from the word go, my mom jumps my case with some snarky comment about my parenting skill, I come home, then R stops by, and wants to teach me about diodes, meanwhile my kid is screaming because she isn’t the center of attention and a cat is climbing on my back and both my phones are ringing…
If I’d had a noose, I’d have hung myself to escape it all. I cannot handle that much activity at once without paying a severe price.
And the price is, I am so shaky mentally right now, I have nothing left to give to anyone, least of all myself. I am tapped out. Empty. Overdrawn. And the prospect of having to go do it all again tomorrow, while my psyche and the facade of “Ms Calm,Cool, and Collected” crumble, is just too much for me to deal with right now. I wanted to chill out, play some word games, write, maybe put up my Xmas tree…
Now I just…my brain is on overdrive, and feels like it just might short out.
I’m sure R would expect me to rewire it myself and explain how to do it. I don’t learn fast and I am easily confused and all this pressure is not helping, but he won’t listen. Hell, no one listens to me. It’s always “Oh, you’re just lazy, you let yourself off the hook with this mental shit.”
Which is bullshit.
When a person has the presence of mind and courage to admit their limitations and say “I need a break”, they should not be chastised and shamed. Every time I let others convince me that I “can do this” juggling act, I end up going off the deep end.
Yet it’s rinse, lather, repeat.Rise above it, do better, you can do this, quit making excuses, buck up…
Blah blah blah blah.
I have nothing left to give to myself now, as I gave all I had to everyone and everything else today.
I’d say I look forward to sleep, but the world might get an idea it’s something I enjoy and take that away from me, too.
Yes, I am a babbling idiot right now. My brain is fried.
Yet, I will wind myself up and do it all again tomorrow.
And no matter how hard I try, it will be like every other time before. I WILL hit a breaking point.
And sometimes, especially here lately, I think back to the peace of the psych ward…and a small part of me wants to go back there to be sheltered from all of this pressure and chaos. Be surrounded by people who get it.
Of course, I am a huge control freak and psychopathically independent so that’s not an optimal solution.
I just remember when I had my reaction to Nardil and they stuck me in the psych ward…No pressure. Just…existing. Walls between me and the outside world which seems to break me down every time.
I hate feeling this way, so weak, so pathetic…Yet I know my boundaries, and this has crossed them and smashed them to bits.
R wants to know why I can’t rise above it and be an overachieving workaholic/superparent/best friend/mechanic/church lector/spouse/indian chief. like him.
Maybe because I never was and never will be.
I am what I am.
The only person that ever seems to be enough for is me.
And my opinion seems to be the only one that doesn’t count.