Daily Archives: December 9, 2012

Damn you, misfiring brain

Not an awful weekend. Nothing has really happened. Dad and his woman took my kid out for lunch with them yesterday. We got groceries today. I am avoiding housework like the plague.

No, what is major league suckage is that my brain has been misfiring and sending me wrong messages.

At least I think, they are wrong messages.

Maybe I am dying of a fatal illness. Maybe people are out to get me. Maybe I will be dead in a couple of months or a year.

I like to think I have a grip on things, most of the time, but…When the paranoia seeps in, and my thoughts are skewed…I am never quite sure what is a misfiring brain and what is real.

That makes me sound like I have lost touch with reality but it’s not like that. It’s just…I get these OCD thoughts that consume me and I can;t talk myself out of them and it starts dragging down my mood and the paranoia and possibility for it being real lead to major anxiety attacks, the big ones that not even Xanax can touch.

The only thing that helps- and note I said “helps”, I didn’t say it solves a damn thing- is liquor.

We are not suppose to mix our meds with booze. We all know this.

But when your own mind is your own worst enemy and your brain is sending you messages that scare you so much you just want to jump out of your own skin…Desperation breeds bad ideas.

I am not immune to indulging such bad ideas.

I hate days like this where my mind frame is FUBAR. I spent two years convinced of something concerning my health, and I confided in no one, and it nearly consumed me. There was no convincing my brain otherwise, though. Now, I am right back there again, in that cold dark place where reality and misfiring brain chemicals are consuming me, twisting my thoughts, making me scared and full of self doubt.

Thing is, this NOT my norm. Prior to pregnancy and child birth, I had never had anything like this occur in the course of my long struggle with mental illness.

Something changed drastically. The whole experience changed me physically and mentally.

I would not change a thing, I love my daughter more than life itself.

But I cannot deny that nothing has been the same since, and you expect change with parenthood, but this is more than just change. This is a mutation in a long standing patter with my illnesses.

It is scary. I talk to no one about. In fact, I have barely mentioned it in this blog.

I occasionally tell the shrink about my paranoia and her solution, of course, is anti psychotics.

I can’t hack the side effects, not with as little benefit as they have given me in the past.

So today, I am in a dark place, but I have self medicated and numbed myself so I can ride it out.

No lectures,please. I am just trying to survive here.  My choices are mine to live with. God knows the past haunts me every minute of every day. I own my bad choices and bad behavior. All I can do is try to be a better version of me.

It would be so much easier if my own brain wasn’t distorting everything.

At least it’s not constant, it’s intermittent.

Still a bucket of suck.


Walk Away

    Walk away- by all means it makes the most sense. Don’t worry about me wondering what I did to cause it, even though it wasn’t anything I did. Walk away- even though you promised you would be honest about whether you would do this or if you would stay but first lie – … Continue reading

Mung Beans and Insight

I have become disgusted with the deplorable quality of mung bean sprouts available for purchase at the local food stores; even the Whole Foods seems to keep them in the back bowels of the store until they achieve a certain brown-edged sliminess that makes my stomach turn and my skin crawl.  So I decided to grow them myself.

Growing sprouts is as easy as falling off a bicycle.  OK, maybe you ride bicycles better than I do.  But anyway, all you need is a fairly large wide mouthed glass jar and a sprouting lid to fit.  A sprouting lid, for the uninitiated, is a plastic jar lid with lots of holes already in it.  I reckon you could make your own with a standard lid and an ice pick.  That would have the bonus of allowing you to work out some aggression.  I prefer the plastic kind because they’re easy and they don’t rust.

Then you get hold of some mung beans, the dry kind, and wash them well.  Be sure to pick them over with a fine tooth comb, because I have found rocks in there of the proper size to cause significant dental trauma: ouch. So pick them over.

Once they’re clean, put them in the jar about an eighth of the way full of dried beans.  Fill the jar with water and leave it at room temperature overnight.  In the morning they will have swelled to about half again their size.  This is good.  Pour out the water, using your sprouting lid as a strainer.  Take the lid off and rinse the beans by filling the jar a little more than half full and swirling them around.  Put the lid back on and strain them.

Now you are ready to sprout in earnest.  Lay the jar on its side and tap the sides to get all the beans lying down at the lowest part.  Set the horizontal jar on a counter or something that is not in direct light.  Some people who are not as ADD as I am like to put them in a dark cupboard, as it is good to keep them out of the light at this stage.  It makes for nice white sprouts, not greenish ones.  I cannot do that.  I have tried.  My poor little beanies die from dehydration as I forget all about them for weeks, then realize in horror what I have done: too late.  So I keep mine out where I can see them.

Twice a day, with loving care and good vibes, take off the lid and rinse the beans.  By the second day they will have swelled so that they pop out of their green skins, and if you look closely you will see tiny white sproutlets beginning!  Yay.  Keep up the twice-daily washing and after four or five days you will have a jar stuffed full of succulent bean sprouts that are fresh and healthy.  To get rid of the green skins that will be laying around and clinging to the sprouts, just put the sprouts into bowl of water and gently rinse as many away as you can, then pop them into a salad spinner and spin away the rest of them.  If there are a few skins hanging around after that, just eat them.  They won’t hurt you.

Now for the insight.  As I watch my little beans soaking up water and beginning their metamorphosis into delicious crunchy bean sprouts, I think about my soul.  What does my soul have to do with bean sprouts?  A lot.  Now, I don’t know about anybody else’s soul.  I only have inklings now and then about my own.  But what I do know is: in order for my soul to grow healthy and sprout delicious things, she needs to soak in the living waters of wisdom.  I believe these waters are always there, being poured upon my soul and giving her the opportunity to soak, to absorb, to transform.  I don’t always take advantage of it.  I’m often not aware of it.

May it be my hope, for myself and for all of you and for all the world that we become aware of the living waters of truth and inspiration that are always there, if we can open our hearts and be aware of them.