In a word, my mood today, is pissy.
The phone rang four times last night, it was R. I didn’t answer it. Didn’t want to. Not in the mood to hear him prattle on about business and his personal issues and how everything is hunky dory because he’s too drunk to care seven nights a week.
It is an absolute kick in the face to work so hard to fix the things everyone tells you are wrong with you, while everyone around just remains the same self absorbed mental trainwreck. It’s like YOU are the only person with a problem, they are fine as is, and if you can’t accept them that way, well, you’re not a good person.
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?
I have a mood disorder I did not ask for, do not have control over, and medicate myself to the gills to correct…And that’s a character flaw. I got to counseling pretty much changing everything about myself others find so distasteful and problematic..but I “owe” this to society?
Yet being a narcissistic alcoholic asshole, by choice, is not a problem.
Being a self absorbed nasty tempered self contradicting witch is not a problem.
I AM THE ONLY FUCKING PROBLEM ON THE PLANET, EVERYONE AROUND ME IS FUCKING PERFECT.
I don’t fucking think so.
Now, given I am not in a great place right now and few months down the road I may reread this and think, wow you are a crazy bitch, Niki.
I doubt it. This has been piling up over years and years, sparked into flame by the Donor, who is an even bigger bucket of neuroses, yet he was happy being that way. I was the one with issues that needed to be changed, even though a lot of my issues were sparked by his issues.
Why can’t I just be the moody grumpy up and down bitch that I am? Why am I the only one who has to make changes?
Oh, right, because I want to be a better version of myself.
And why am I the only one who even has the desire to become a better person?
So what is the point of this post?
I have no idea.
It seems to help to vent. I haven’t seen my counselor in two months because she is on surgical leave til Dec 17th, so I have no one to talk to about all this stuff. It’s boiling up and poisoning me.
I am on the fence on what to do today. Do I answer the phone if R calls?
How is that going to benefit me?
Because he will pull the same old shit, ask me what’s wrong, tell me to talk to him, then complain if what I say involves being angry at him.
(I am the phone with my dad and he is prattling on about Obamacare, one of my big hot topic buttons because I think its insane to fine people for being too poor to have health insurance…Have I mentioned how much I hate the world?)
(Oh, another daddy lecture on how people who don’t work and are on disability are worthless. I feel so loved.)
Where was I?
I have no idea.
I am such a trainwreck at the moment.
I’ll post again later when I remember what I wanted to post about other than feeling pissed off. Mind is kind of running off without me.