did i mention i got my sex drive back?
and i mean, boy, is it back. it’s back at the levels i felt when friends said i emitted sexual energy. it’s back at the levels where i see red everywhere and slight breezes are arousing. going to the gym is its own reward, if you know what i’m saying.
i’m not interested in hooking up. not right now at least. but i can’t help feeling attracted to some people. or certain muscle groups. and i can’t help when i feel aroused in situations where i am not “supposed” to be aroused.
like my classroom, for instance.
given my recent experience dating an ex-student, i have plenty of reminders for why that is not a good idea. that is why i dress conservatively and talk about sex as blandly as i can in my human sexuality class. and yes, there are good-looking kids in the class. there always are. but i’ve been successful in maintaining a professional persona, i think.
except today, i felt a bit overwhelmed by my hormones. fortunately, it was a test day and fortunately, i’ve been practicing distraction techniques.
i’m skeptical about my success however. one attractive individual i had especially noticed (and therefore tried especially to NOT notice) gave me a smirk as he handed in the exam. at the time, i wondered if i had something on my face. later, as i’ve been grading, i came across the real reason: he wrote me a note saying i looked really nice today. my face went flush when i read it.
i know, i can’t act on it. but i’m just concerned because while i can disguise my body with conservative clothes and disguise my experience with apparent disinterest or naivety, i wonder if i’m not adequately disguising my sex drive.
there is only so much i can do about it. it’s overwhelming. my whole body is aroused, and it’s like i can feel sex coursing through my veins. under all other circumstances, this is okay, but in the classroom? sometimes i just wish i had an off switch.