Today has been one of those days where yes, there’s been some anxiety jagging, but a cup or two of Tension Tamer have knocked it on its ass. I’ve managed to do some more planning for my NaNoWriMo bid, and really… I’m still just sort of amazed by this. I can’t deny that I’m in an upswing if I’m managing this, and yanno… I’m grateful for it after my shitefest summer.
Having said that, I’m wary of there being a crash. After all, more of my time is spent in depression than in joy. And there’s still that problem where I try to belittle my problems to myself instead of being fully honest with myself about how I’m feeling. There’s people that want to help now, and it does me no good to shove it back in the bag. Though I guess the still-jagging anxiety is going to be worth reporting at my next appointment. I don’t know what to say about focus though. Do I sell any focusing issues I might have short in the hopes of getting something more immediate for anxiety? I don’t know yet when I might be able to get checked for ADD/ADHD, and I know I should ‘tough it out’ until that can be covered. Though my sudden spate of focus makes it harder to know what’s going on. My body and brain, they so do love to confuse me!
I don’t really know right now. I do know that I should enjoy my mug of chamomile, perhaps put the notepad away, and just let my brain sludge out over some Sims. Tomorrow I can plot more, and perhaps spend some time reviewing for my theory test.
i am cracking myself up.
i had the bright idea to hook up the computer and high-end speaker to my sweet tv. mind you, these are XBF’s things and he is leaving them here indefinitely.
and as i started using the computer on a 60-inch screen and listening to my favorite music on that high-quality speaker…i realized i didn’t want XBF to come get his stuff. the longer i don’t hear from him, the better.
how’s that for beating me at my own game?
i’m already planning to throw some kind of social get together next month with all this stuff hooked up. if i’m ready, that is. a coming-out party. coming out of hibernation. i’ve decided my party favors will be…wait for it…med bottles labeled “happy pills”.
now my only problem is getting myself to work instead of listening to music and dancing.
second weigh-in here. 3.5 el-bees lighter, simply by eliminating sugar and flour from my diet. haha! it’s so easy it hurts. i’ve also added in some exercise this time around, mostly to deal with stress. but last time i didn’t increase my activity levels at all and i got wonderful results. i’m fortunate that my body type responds to this type of diet so well.
i noticed that i’ve moved down a notch on my belt. last year when i lost weight i actually had to poke two additional holes in the belt to make it work. :-O then i gained weight, and went back up to the 3rd notch (out of 7). now i’m at notch 4 and suspect that notch 5 won’t be too far away.
i also had the best day i’ve had in a LONG time on Friday. nothing in particular had happened. i just felt well above neutral. my therapist asked if i thought i was manic, but i don’t think so. she brought it up after i had listed some of my recent accomplishments. if i had done them all in a matter of a few days, i would probably change my tune! but the things i’ve done around the house, with my jeep, and with others have spanned over several weeks…so i think i’m good.
saturday wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t great. i was mostly just tired, which i attribute to working out 4 days in a row. i took it easy, accomplished what i wanted to accomplish, and called it a day.
sunday has just started. i’m not feeling especially inspired, but i feel well. especially after observing the decrease in weight. skinny jeans, here i come.
No, not really…. but it was a title…
My daughter moved back in. I’m mixed about it. I’m happy she is here because she is my daughter, I love her, and all that happy crap… But since she moved in, she quit her new job. Says she will be working with her cousin doing photography, but that will not last long because she stopped doing that last time because she didn’t get paid enough. She signed up for school (Spring quarter) but I’m not sure if she just did that so she doesn’t have to work. So… shit is going to get tight around here. And who knows where my sanity is going to end up. I already feel a monkey on my back, but I think that is just anticipation of shit hitting the fan.
I have a dr. appointment tomorrow morning. Just a check up and to get a slip for my labs, so nothing will really be pinpointed tomorrow, which sucks but, it is what it is…
I’ve had some blips… acting crazy, maniacal laughter for no reason…. I guess this is just what life has to offer me at this point. Thank GOD I haven’t hit a depression yet…. I fear that a lot. Here is to hoping for the best…