Daily Archives: October 19, 2012

Weekly Photo Challenge: Silhouette

This week’s photo challenge, silhouette, sounded so easy on the surface. But apparently I don’t take photos of silhouettes, except …

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Professional Contradictions

I saw the shrink last Thursday. She listened to me and the H word was mention. Hospital. I don’t do hospitals. I am functional, I am just depressed and not happy,ffs.

She says I am not paranoid.

My counselor agreed.

The prior shrink said I had paranoid personality disorder.

I am so fucking confused and sick of the mental healthcare system. The professionals are nuttier than I could ever be.

Shrink started me on Wellbutrin.

Thus far, I am unimpressed with the side effects.

Day one, I became so aggressively angry, mixed up with some tears, that I found myself repeatedly banging my head against a wall as hard as I could.

This is NOT my normal behavior. It freaked me out.

I apparently have been snippy and short with people, not that I noticed. Plus, I warned R and Kenny that I had started a new medicine with some funky side effects so it was going to be weird for awhile.

Like minds that shallow and closed off could ever understand the medi go round.

I think it pissed the sunshine spewer off when I told her how seriously concerned the shrink was for me when all this time she has just been blowing me off.

I guess it stings to have your opinion undermined.

R is on my case again about the certification. Like I can think straight right now, with this new medication. And next up, she is insisting that the Xanax is “masking” my condition and sedating me and I MUST come off of it. Oh, yes, Xanax withdrawal is going to be conducive to learning. Especially with the holidays and all the expenses I can’t begin to cover.

And manipulative R says, “I thought you would rise above it and write your own ticket money wise.”

I wanted to hit him in the head with a shovel.

He never did understand. He was always too self absorbed to give a rat’s ass what anyone else was going through. Just because he and his daughters and wife are overachieving wonderkinds doesn’t make me one. I am a slow learner and I told him that straight up.

It really pisses me off that he could be so high and mighty with me.

He’s sober between 8 am and 4 pm.Any time between he is pretty much lit.

So pardon me if taking advice from a functional alcoholic seems asinine. Maybe he should talk to me when his life is so peachy he doesn’t need to drink enough beer seven nights a week to keep an elephant drunk.

Yes,I am bitchy.

THEN to top it all off, I got an email from The Donor, basically accusing me of slamming the door in his face because I haven’t signed his stupid divorce papers yet. He paints a glorious picture of himself as a mistreated victim and me as the evil one who thwarts him at every turn.

I want him to die.

Horrible, yes.

But because it is damn near impossible to not feel angry and aggressive on this Wellbutrin…

It is what it is, I feel how I feel.

I wish him dead.

And if I rot in hell, so be it, it cannot possibly be worse than my time living.

One weird side effect of Wellbutrin is it makes me pee A LOT. Irks me.

I don’t like it thus far.

But I can tell like most shrinks, she is getting impatient with the meds not working for me. Thus the “H” word coming up. LIke, this best work or next stop for you is the loony bin.

Last night I was actually having thoughts about hanging myself or cutting my own throat.

That’s not my normal pathology.

It’s this stupid medication and I am only on day six.

I was told to give it a chance, so I am going to do so, but man, this shit is sucking.

Irritable doesn’t begin to cover it. I am really ready to take a shovel to the skull of ANY passive aggressive person. People who do not have the balls to just speak their mind,good or bad, are on my perpetual shit list. I am surrounded by them. I know I need to learn patience and to accept people for what they are but this one trait…really sets me off. I can deal with people being assholes, being rude, being druggies, being criminals…But this “avoid telling the truth at all costs and keep the peace then bitch about it later” mindset has me in a semi homicidal rage.

Makes me wonder if The Hulk was taking Wellbutrin.

I am feeling rather “smashy”.

Now…I have to go talk to the shunshine spewer in an hour so I need to find clothes for me and Spook.

Joy,joy,happy,happy.

I need a support group desperately. I miss my old chat room. Depression just isn’t something you can talk to with someone who hasn’t been through it. Unfortunately,I live in Bumfuck and the nearest mental health support group is an hour away and they meet once a month. I can’t afford the drive.

When did depression support chat rooms go out, anyway? There’s a chat for people with foot fetishes and a thing for balloons, wherre the hell is the depression support chat?

I don’t think I am going to make it on this Wellbutrin much longer. I have enough anger without medication adding to it.

Geesh, sometimes the so called cure is worse than what you started with.

 


Eye of The Storm

Adrift at sea, no rudder, on a steadfast course to nowhere. The water like glass..flat and still, Nothing stirs in the disturbing calm. I don’t know how to weather this I don’t know how to breathe I want my mind’s tossed wilderness of  endless stormy seas. When in the eye of the storm I fear for … Continue reading