Daily Archives: October 10, 2012

Dazed and Confused

Sorry, I have been out of it lately. The past couple days more so than the rest. I don’t understand it and that frustrates me. It’s as if I have been completely and utterly exhausted. My father in law was here for a visit, and I felt so embarrassed… I was not well at all, and I couldn’t stop what was happening.

Slap happy, confused, losing stuff, irritated, tired… all rolled into one.

I swear it was like I was exhausted, but I have done nothing to feel THAT exhausted. I have been sleeping well, and the only thing I have done was a little yard work on Sunday, and then cleaning house. That was it. So really, I can’t be exhausted, It just doesn’t make any sense… Unless I’m having some kind of Lupus flair or Fibromyalgia flair, because my body has been in a lot of pain… like a fuzzy pain. Like the kind of pain you get when you are sick with the flu; achy bruisy kind of feeling….

My father in law is just assuming that I am having problems getting my shit together since I am at home by myself now. I’m not yet acclimated to being home alone during the day yet in his eyes…. So, ok, we will go with that… I’m more than happy for him to think that. Because it’s much more better than him thinking I need to go to the nut hut, right?

I had lunch with my darling husband yesterday, and it was confession time for me. I told him about me seeing things again. I’mm seeing shadow figures, and colors running…. Last time I have visual hallucinations, I was stressed, and my pdoc was confused as to why I was having them… But now, I don’t have anything to really stress me out right now.

I swear the cat was with me downstairs when I was doing laundry, and I saw her out of the corner of my eye, run into my son’s room, but I checked and she wasn’t there… Yeah, she was upstairs, never came down. Then the other day I was doing dishes, and I swear to God it looked like the ink was melting off of our dishes… blueish-purple suds were all over the dishes, and when I would wash, it was like I was washing them in ink? It was fucking weird and scary, and that incident really rang some bells for me. So, I have been trying to keep an eye on myself…. But yeah, I told him about all of that and he did seem a bit concerned… Which is a change, because when it comes to my mental health, I don’t think he shows much concern…. And mostly because lack of understanding.

So that is where I have been…. Dazed and confused… walking around in my own little world… and I hate this. I used to blame this on the meds… but I’m not on meds, so I don’t know what in the hell is going on. I am hoping to get an appointment with our family doc so I can get my bloodwork done to check all my lupus and arthritis readings…

 

Goodbye, Vice

I’m saying goodbye to smoking, really and truly. As I write this, I haven’t had a cigarette in nearly 72 …

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toxicity

how is it that i spent months dreaming about something, and when it finally came, all i got was this lousy searing pain?

why didn’t i anticipate the magnitude of the loss and the absence?

how can anger and feelings of injustice be so blown out of proportion that i am blind to all else?

i considered taking it back today.  but he’s better off.

i’m toxic.


Stealing a MEntal health day (repost from primary blog)

I feel a little guilty but I think it was healthy. I just needed a little “me” time, since my mood was so low and I felt so irritable.

I dyed my hair to cover my silver roots. Took my time showering and getting dressed.

I vacuumed. Took some stuff to the shed.

Filled out and returned some job aps. This one woman was EXTREMELY rude, said she NEVER lets anyone leave with an application, they must be filled out on site, WHERE did I get the application. Like I stole an application or had someone else fill it out, really? Not hoping for a call there because I don’t think I would get along with that woman AT ALL.

I sent some resumes on line. Picked up some more aps.

Had a 99 cent chicken sandwich for lunch. Watched Revenge.

Was going to pop into the shop, per R’s request, but I saw Kenny was there and just was NOT in the mood to deal. The man is pathetic, there 7 days a week, making no attempt to get a life or find ways to earn the money he needs to “move down South”. If he was so hell bent on it, and he doesn’t have any expenses like rent and power since he is living out of his van, then wouldn’t he find a way to make it happen instead of constantly failing and then sulking about it?

I sound cold, but really, I hate “:I was gonna” people. JUST DO IT OR SHUT THE FUCK UP. There is zero reason for him to be at that shop 24-7, he doesn’t help that much, R is always buying his lunch and smokes…He’s a grade A mooch. And R doesn’t want to hurt his feelings so he will never say a word. Which means I am in the position of sucking it up and dealing.

Today I chose not to suck it up, and not to deal.

I picked Spook up, came home, did an ass ton of dishes, and am now watching the end of Dexter before I go crawl under the electric blanket Dad gave me. Mmmm, toasty warm goodness.

So I took a ME day.

I took a MEntal health day.

R just called and implored me to come in tomorrow.

So I will.

Just need to step away every once in awhile.

I think I am PMSing because I am more irritable than is my norm.

Yay. PMS monster always makes things better. NOT.

But I survived another day without my head imploding.

That’s the silver lining in my cloud.

Let’s hope it isn’t mercury.


Pet adoption- repost from primary blog

Save a Life, adopt a pet

I had a chance to work in a vet clinic today for a few hours pop up today because their new hire couldn’t show up.

Needless to say, I’m not a great dog groomer. I’ve never done it before, and I did struggle.

But bathing them, calming them, checking on them post op…I excelled.

Now several hours later, I think of all those poor animals. It was shelter rescue flood day, apparently, as there were 14 dogs brought in from three different rescue groups. Not to mention all of the adorable kitty cats, all of whom I desperately wanted to stick in my purse and bring home.

These poor animals have had such rough lives.

Lucy. Angie. Scooter. Bella. Lil Bit.

The names just keep flooding my mind, and it saddens me to think that while the shelter is trying so hard to rescue these animals, to get them spayed and neutered and in good health and well groomed…chances are good none of them will find homes. This is despicable, when you consider the ridiculous amounts of money some are willing to pay just to claim they own a “pure blood” or “full breed”.

If you just want a companion for yourself or your family…

Invest that same money in saving the lives of one of these poor animals.

It doesn’t matter what city or town, they are everywhere, scared and alone and lonely.

It doesn’t matter how hard the rescue groups work if no one is willing to take a chance on a “mutt” or “stray” cat of questionable parentage.

My heart still aches remembering all those faces and hearing the barks and meows, knowing they are essentially on death row and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it.

That is gut wrenching.

People can save themselves, most just choose to be assholes.

These poor animals are at our mercy. They need our kindness. And even if you can’t take one in yourself, check around with friends, family, coworkers, the cousin of your next door neighbor’s grandson’s bookie.

I DON’T CARE.

We, the animal lovers of this world, have got to band together in any way possible and try to save more lives, not just watch them rescued only to be euthanized. For some,it is a matter of expense, and there has GOT to be a way to help these animals find homes that does not involve so much money that people are scared away from adopting a pet.

Please, if you know of any rescued animals in need of homes…Ask around. Put their pictures on your Facebook page or your blog. I am being put in touch with the head of one local rescue group to see what I can do to help these poor creatures who only want to be loved and feel safe.

Same as most of us humans want.

it’s easy to turn a blind eye and say it’s terrible but nothing can be done.

But all it takes for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.

I’m sick of doing nothing.

My cats have good homes and are very loved.

I even feed and care for a couple of strays outside.

It’s just not enough, though. I can’t just care about the animals I am responsible for.

I’ve needed a cause for awhile now, to reboot my life and rid myself of all the idiocy of the past year.

After today, still sitting here hours later,wondering how the dogs came out of their operations….

I think maybe I have found a cause.

Helping animals  is a hell of a lot better use of my time than dwelling on things that can’t be changed.

Maybe it’s a losing battle, but we all need something to fight for.

I’m going to fight for those animals like Scooter and Bella and Lil Bit and Angie and Lucy.

It might have just been a three hour job, but it really made an impact on me.

So…save a pet’s life today. You never know when the pet might return the favor.

There are times in my life I swear the only reason I didn’t end up dead by suicide or locked in the rubber ramada is because I had a cat who needed me, and reminded me no matter how bad things are…

In their eyes, I was loved unconditionally, warts and neuroses and all.

That means everything as far as I am concerned.


The Day Death Comes… in loving memory of my grandma.

my grandma died yesterday. Not unexpected that it wouldn’t be long until she passed, but at the moment she went, we weren’t expecting it. To say we weren’t ready? I don’t know. Are you ever really ready for that moment that someone you love leaves you, even if you have known it is imminent for … Continue reading