Daily Archives: October 6, 2012

Oh, Hi

Okay, I didn’t post for a few weeks, but I’ve got a really good reason — I’m a paranoid git.

You see, we went on vacation back to the States. You guys know this, because I mentioned this here.  We were there for a few weeks visiting my friends and family, and if I can help it? I don’t let the Internet know that I’m away from home. I don’t really think anyone is going to read my blog, try to find out where I live, and then try to steal my meager possessions, but an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure (and a pile of pictures of my daughter growing up). I can fudge being gone for a short trip, but for a couple of weeks? Not without lying, and I abhor lying in 99.5% of cases. It was mainly a good trip though, and it was wonderful to be behind the wheel in my home town, listening to local radio, and enjoying my muscle memory remembering more of traffic law than my brain did.

The day before I left, I had an appointment with the psychiatrist. I saw a new-to-me guy mainly, and it was a pleasant chat. I brought up my interest in getting checked for ADD/ADHD, and provided my list of why I thought it might be the case. He nodded along, but wanted to double-check with the guy I’d seen the last couple of times. That guy didn’t really think it was ADHD, but new guy definitely wants to refer me down to London for checking. Compliments of NHS rationing/cutbacks/etc, they can’t officially diagnose it locally, which is semi-lame. But at least there IS a probable ball rolling there, and I’ll be happy to know one way or the other.

The new guy also wanted to get it checked so he didn’t treat me for the wrong thing. I requested some help with anxiety, but due to the fact I was obviously anxious with the trip being the next day and the asking about ADHD, he wanted to have the yay or nay on ADHD before adding any new meds to my pile. He did with agreement from the previous doctor up my Seroquel to 300mg from 200mg, and asked if we could hold off on trying to get pregnant so they could get me stabilized after me admitting my summer was freaking horrible. I think we’ll keep giving it the occasional marital go (as one should anyways, ha ha), but seeing how we’ve had no luck this year, I’m amenable to getting one thing ‘fixed’ before working on the other.

I have to say that the upping of dose has definitely been a good thing. I kept mainly sane in the face of my INSANELY energetic and excited family. I was significantly less snappish in the face of annoyances, and I think I managed to escape with no fever blisters. I usually end up with massive fever blisters in the face of boisterous socialization. We’ll see how it does now that I’m back home, to include relative drowsiness effects. Due to toddler and rooming situation, we were sleeping closer to 10-12 hours a night, and that avoided drowsy. I don’t really want to do that on the regular, but it might be a gloomy consideration. I don’t know yet, but I hope it won’t be the case.

So anyways, hopefully I’ll have more to say soon now that I’m back home and free of family constraints!

<3

Weekly Photo Challenge: Happy

This one took awhile – despite what the Weekly Photo Challenge post for the theme “Happy” may assert, it was …

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breaking up is hard to do

i’ve been single about 24 hours now.  i’ve felt anger, relief, sadness, anxiety, and nothing at all.  much of the day, i’ve had a heavy heart, but the knowledge that it will pass helps me not wallow in it too much.

i didn’t even mean to break up with boyfriend yesterday.  at least, i didn’t intend it.  i was thinking that his visit in a couple of weeks would be a good time, or shortly after that.  you know.  dignified and all that.

not at the drive thru at in-n-out.

i got about two days of “space” before boyfriend called 5 times and started texting that it was “really important”.  figuring it had to do with something other than us, i made the mistake of calling him back.  right away he started in on me.  how much i was stressing him out and how i am doing all of these things that hurt him.  he really wouldn’t let up, and i started to get angry, and then he sounded even more pitiful asking why i sounded so mad at him and describing how hurt he was.  the only thing i heard was reinforcement for my decision to end things.

when i remembered that i would be ending things rather than trying to repair them, i was able to calm down immediately.  this wasn’t my problem anymore.  i didn’t have to defend myself or explain why he was frustrating me or help him or have him try to “help me”.  i was one foot out the door to freedom.

it was really amazing.  the whole 15 minute conversation, i got barely a word in and he spent nearly the whole time telling me how i wouldn’t let him talk.  i heard him say that over and over again and i just had to smile…it wasn’t my problem anymore.

i tried to get off the phone.  the in-n-out drive through is not exactly the best place for these kinds of conversations.  he wouldn’t let up.  he wanted to know if i was going to break up with him.  i asked to call him back.  he wouldn’t let up.

i wouldn’t have done it in this context.  but i knew if i told him that i wasn’t going to break up him, he would throw it in my face when i did two weeks from now.  besides, i didn’t want to lie.

i took a deep breath, handed the cashier my money, and said yes.  it was the classiest moment of my life.  >.<

he lost his shit, as expected, and told me i could not break up with him over the phone.  the hell i can’t.