I absolutely ABHOR being so fucking sensative!
I feel like an angry bruise. And I am an emotional eater… so I have been eating ice cream since last night. I really wanted some McDonalds… Chicken Nuggets and Fries! But I managed to stay away from the golden arches…Instead I got a half a gallon of ice cream.
My husband hasn’t touched me in weeks. Sexual or otherwise. Its kinda making me feel unloved, unwanted, not needed…. And to boot, I’m trying to have a conversation with him last night, but… apparently his game is more important. He was at the top of the stairs kept looking down the stairs like “hurry up, I have important things to do” kinda look… fuck it. Go play your game…. don’t let me stand in the way….
We had this problem many years ago at the beginning of our marriage… Gaming. I don’t mind gaming. As long as you are responsible about it. Get your stuff done, THEN play. He used to make purchased for imaginary things for his games…. Oh that PISSED me off! This was before he was making decent money. We were living in low income housing, barely had groceries BUT…. he had money to buy things for his guild…
But now it’s different.
I do understand that he stayed away from me for a few days because he had a rash. Now, the rash was from laundry detergent we think. It was at his waist and his thighs. It was like hives and itchy. Benadryl pills and cream did the trick to get it gone. Had I no idea where he is all the time, I might have raised an eyebrow over the rash…. But I know where he is all the time. Work or Masons.
I don’t think he understands just HOW sensative I am…. Especially since I am no longer on meds. And then I wonder if I am being too emotional over something so stupid. And I have voiced my opinion about him being so distant, and he just blows it off like nothing… Perhaps I should tell him that it is THIS kind of behavior that makes me want to look outside of my marriage? Not that anyone would want me right now, I am so fucking disusting and piggish…. From all the damn ice cream and no excercise because I’ve been so fucking depressed because…. He won’t have anything to do with me. What a fucking circle.
I have to not give a fuck. But the problem is, I do. And that is the lovely thing about my relationship with bipolar. I eaither give too many shits about something…. or I could fucking care less… I give with every fiber of my being… or not. One way or the other… No middle ground for me. Yet, when it comes to opionons… I’m always grey. I always see both sides.
Fuck. I hate being me sometimes.