Daily Archives: September 25, 2012

Doubts

Every day, what am I saying, every hour, I am of a different opinion regarding medication.

In some moments, I feel great. I don´t really have any problem with depression in this period, my mood is mostly upbeat and optimistic.

But.. the anxiety and the occasional temper tantrums are worrying me. Sleeping is going so-so, some nights I manage ok without any medication, and others I either can´t fall asleep until impossibly late, or I wake up around 2-3 am, and can´t sleep any more. Brain monkeys going completely crazy.

Also, small stuff upsets me sometimes to no end, for hours.

The medication I got from my psychiatrists (opipramol) does help somewhat with the anxiety, but it makes me terribly tired and apathetic. Ok for the night, but during the day, not so good. Really not different from the benzo stuff, only that it is supposedly not addictive. Fortunately it hasn´t any other side effects, as far as I have seen until now. But when I have to drive or do stuff which requires my full attention I simply can´t take them, and that thwarts the whole purpose, as I need them for work and other trips, where I need to be alert, and often drive a car myself. Sigh.

This morning I felt so anxious that I seriously considered to go back on the Celexa again. The psychiatrist has told me to be myself the judge on when I need it, for him, I should be on it always, I have a 2-month reserve of the pills at home and he trusts me to start on them again when I (or the people who live with me) think that the situation is becoming unsustainable.

I am planning to give myself until after the trip to Italy in 3 weeks. Depending on how I will react to 2 days of complicated, chaotic traveling and 2 days of trade fair full immersion with tons of stuff to do, stress and people around me, I will then evaluate if I can do this simply with the Opipramol or if I need constant medication.

For now, I will try with enough physical exercise, good nutrition and some herbal supplements. But I have sworn myself that I never again will let things get bad enough that my life is a burden to myself and those I love. As much as I wish to be able to live without the chemical aids, I know also how much I owe them.

Here I Am…

It’s been awhile since I have posted. Nothing much new here. Been sick a bit – had a nasty stomach flu thing that went around the family. Then lovely allergies that are still lingering…. Benadryl has been my friend. Mentally I’ve been here and there… Really been doing ok, but have my moments of insanity. I mean manical type insanity, with the laugh and making no sense. But it’s been manageable. It’s like after it all falls out of my mouth, I realize what I have done, and then I try to carry on like I meant to do that, ya know?  Been worried about my Ms. Tea and hoping she is doing ok.

Heard from an old friend on FB and learned that her daughter who is in highschool has a bit of a crazy ex and my heart just broke about the whole situation. Having been stalked by an ex and going through many traumatic experiences with him, it just brings those feelings back to the surface.

Do you have PTSD forever? I mean is it like Bipolar? Because I have been having the odd dreams of my ex who stalked me, and in my dreams he is trying to kidnap my youngest daughter… I have no idea why, because she isn’t his, and I don’t talk to him and he doesn’t even live in this state, but it was weird having these kind of scary dreams about him again. And having that paranoia kick back in, and the scared feeling…. I could only place my finger on my PTSD that I was diagnosed with when all of this stalking business was going on 20 years ago….

Quitting, Bit by Bit

Mr. Chickadee has already pretty much quit smoking. Let’s hear a “hip hip hurray” for Mr. Chickadee! Me, on the …

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