Daily Archives: September 14, 2012

Peachy mess

Some days, I just want to throttle the sunshine spewers like my counselor,and of course, the ostriches surrounding me who bury their heads in the sand to reality and choose to see only what they want to see. Were any of them truly paying attention, they might make note that I am struggling a little less successfully on some days.

On the surface…

Sure, I am functioning. Sure, I have accomplished a lot in spite of it all.

Sure, some days my mood is fine, my anxiety is quelled by the xanax and low stress level.

Then there’s the flip side.

Tuesday at the shop, surrounded by people, my nerves were so bad (more than two people is a crowd to me and freaks me out) I started breaking out in huge marble sized hives.

By the time I got home, they were gone.

Wednesday, I left the house with my shirt on backwards and one sock on inside out.

Thursday was a mixed bag of die-in-a-fire and oh-my-god-Foamy-cartoons-are-hysterical! (www.illwillpress.com) Then came an onslaught of R’s friends popping in to visit for a few hours and suddenly I’m in the middle of like six people and I start sweating and itching and seemingly go mute because I have zero social grace.

Today I was manic.

Everyone around me was having a shit day,in really lousy moods, and there I was bouncing off the walls,like I somehow got enjoyment out of their misery when it wasn’t like that at all.

Though I must admit, it does comfort me a bit to see born-with-a-silver-spoon-in-his-mouth R brought down to working stiff bad day level like the rest of us. Nothing went right for him today, his wife even wrote him a bad check for her share of the bills, and he was all morose and doom and gloom. (I’m petty,I can live with that, as snotty as he was with me once upon a time.)

But, fortunately, all it took to put me into a shit mood was the appearance of my monthly curse, a parade blocking  half the town off, and coming home to a cranky hyper whiny kid who first thing in the door stuck her foot into the cat food dish and created a mess before I could even blink.

Yeah, this is my life.

I am functioning but how well varies from day to day.

Lately, it has been more bad than good.

One would think my home would be my sanctuary.

Not til it is too cold for people to be outside. This is the second night in a row there has been some sort of mob action involving a certain group of kids, about ten of them in all, screaming and cussing and fighting and adults yelling back and…Dear God, you can’t have a window open here unless you can deal with the ambient malevolence.

And R has two bad days and whines like a little girl.

THIS IS MY FUCKING LIFE EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Bitching doesn’t do much good, it is what it is.

What makes it hard is all my mental baggage and new stressors piling on top of the old ones.

This is where my facade of functionality starts to crumble.

I keep going but at the end of each day I am ready to cry uncle and beg for mercy.

What is an ominous sign is the bout of mania.

The Lamictal has pretty much held the manic episodes at bay the past year. That one snuck up on me today is a little scary. My meds have a tendency to conk out on me and I am wary that this may be happening. Though it could just be hormones.

(WOULD SOMEONE MAKE THOSE FUCKING KIDS OUTDOORS SHUT THE FUCK UP AND QUIT RUNNING THRU MY GODDAMNED YARD??????)

I have had it with screaming kids.

I have had it with wimpy ass people who can’t handle an occasional bad day when 98% of mine are bad and if I try to vent,I am accused of feeling sorry for myself by those same wimpy ass people.

Bring on winter. Freezing cold, snow, ice, everyone huddled up indoors for three months straight. I could do with the peace and quiet.

I could do with a few days of NOT dealing with people.

But then I am a mom, so I will always have to deal with at least one person.

And she came without an on/off button!

(Twas a joke, don’t want any rabid parents telling me how rude that was.)

I think…what I need most…

is sleep.

The day started out with so much promise…

well, mania, but still…I felt good. Not my fault everyone around me was having a bad day.

Not to worry,reality saw to it that I came crashing down to the pavement head first without a helmet.

Much like a computer, I just need a reboot.

Enter: Sandman.

 


Upswing; Party of 1!

I’m going up…. FUCK!

It’s almost midnight and I am doing laundry. I have to get up in 6 hours. This is going to be fun! Because, I’m not one bit tired. Going to have to drink some bedtime tea because if I take a melatonin, I will deff. have a hang over tomorrow.

In awesome news: I was told tonight that at times I can act inappropriate. Say embarrassing things. Sometimes it’s funny or cute, other times it is embarrassing for other people.

Wow, really? Has anyone ever told you guys that I suffer from Bipolar Disorder?

My feelings are kind of hurt. But I’m ok because I understand that I can be like that at times. I have just never been called out on it before. Which leaves me confused, because I was led to believe that I was “fine” by certain people. There wasn’t anything wrong with me and I didn’t need meds (By people NOT doctors… Doctors like to keep me drugged up of course… because I’M SICK IN THE DAMN HEAD!!!). And NOW I am told all of this? I mean maybe it’s just time that has passed and made people feel more comfortable to say these things to me? I know they meant no harm. But, it is kind of important for people to tell me when I do things, because I clearly don’t know when I do them.

Can’t fucking win with this disease can you? As if it wasn’t hard enough to keep yourself happy…. let alone other people? Throw in this fucking mental disorder and it just makes things SO MUCH EASIER!?

Sorry. I realize I’m not right in the head right now. Sorry guys. But I need to vent… Need to get this out…