I’ve seriously been considering going back to therapy. I think if I can alleviate my stress, my BP symptoms would decrease, right?
Every day I am learning something new about my “condition”. Like everything is starting to come back. The yelling all the time, being fatigued, sleep issues (either too much sleep or can’t get to sleep). I’m starting to feel a little depressed also. Like this afternoon, I was reading a school newsletter and I just wanted to burst out and cry. I held it together though. But I wonder, is it better to cry, even if it is for a ridiculous reason? Or is it better to calm yourself down and hold that cry in?
I want to be normal. And well, I’m not. And while I used to be quite ok with the fact that I wasn’t normal, I’d really LOVE to be normal. But I don’t think anyone is. Everyone has something wrong with them. Ya know?
I’m just not doing well. I mean, I’m on the verge of not doing well. I see all the signs of getting ready to flip out… I know its coming. It’s been a long time coming actually.
Just so many things going on in my life, of course they are little things, that have combined into one huge thing that is making me stress. But I have to remember that I could have it worse. I don’t have it bad at all. But still, shit happens and what are you gonna do. You get pissed off about it. You realize something is wrong, and then you have to figure out how to fix it.
Everything is so fucked up right now.
I got a note from the school nurse again about my daughter not being current on her shots. WTF, bitch! I just talked to you about this on MONDAY! (This is something that totally stresses me out, and I don’t think my husband gets it… No, I KNOW he doesn’t get it. Hell, I don’t even get it. I just know it causes me great stress and anxiety)
Still no car. And I have to get used to the fact that, well… I’m not going to be getting one. Why? Because I have damaged my husband. And, I honestly can’t change it. It’s his problem that has turned into my problem. He thinks if I get a car, I will leave him. I will become “independent” and leave him for someone else…. Honestly, I’m too old for those games. I can’t play them anymore. Not interested. (Of course who knows what will happen if I get manic)
Also, we had a convo the other day. He will feel uncomfortable if I lose weight. He wants me to lose weight, but… He doesn’t want other guys looking at me, showing interest in me, and then…. say it with me! LEAVE HIM FOR ANOTHER GUY. *sigh* I did this to him, but leaving him, and kicking him out. I damaged him. I told him I am not going anywhere, but he doesn’t believe it apparently. So now, I am stuck and I feel like a prisoner basically. I realize these are HIS issues. But I am the cause of them. And that is where I am stuck. I don’t know how to fix this.
But I didn’t mean for this to be a big bitch fest…
I just want you all to know that, I’m not doing so hot right now. I’m in an odd place. A place I have never been (or recall being in) I just want to be left alone. At a concert, listening to some LOUD LIVE MUSIC. But even the thought of that isn’t making me smile.
Fuck me… (An no, not like the sexual act… I mean like the aggravated term.)
I’d love a big fat doobie right about now. I just need to get away for a day.