Daily Archives: September 13, 2012

I Live!

I know, I know, way to ultra-slack this week, ha ha. But between work and a lovely date with my husband and the forthcoming trip abroad and a forthcoming trip to London for a friend’s birthday, I have been pleasantly occupied. I am slightly concerned that I am going to wear myself right out, but then, that is a never-ending concern.

I’m also trying to bully myself into the next stage of trying to figure out what’s going on in my pretty little head. In this case, it’s getting together my case of evidence to see whether or not I might have ADD or ADHD. I’ve been worried about this since I was a teenager, but my parents alternated between telling me to quit making shit up, and that they were going to send me to military school or an asylum. My Air Force time was a six year wasteland as far as mental health is concerned; you can’t have mental health issues and a clearance, dontcha know (even though they want the best and the brightest… and they tend to have these sort of problems. Catch-22? Oh yeah). Between those two things and the lack of healthcare growing up in general, it’s really hard for me to be an assertive patient. I think I’m getting the knack, but that doesn’t make me feel like any less of a pest!

But then, I have to wonder — do you guys feel like pests in general when trying to be assertive on mental health concerns? Experienced patient or not, good relationship with doctor or not, do any of you feel like you could be coming off totally hypochondriac? I accept that could be me, if only for the fact that I have a lifetime of niggles that I’m slowly pushing myself into asking about. My general practitioner is a really great guy and I feel that  I can bring things to him, but I guess it’s just a matter of continued practice making perfect.

So yeah, that list. *laughs* I definitely have the dual problems of difficulty focusing and hyperfocus. My level of zoning out is getting so bad that I can’t pay attention to someone talking to me… which is sort of ridiculous. I am incredibly ‘Ooh, shiny!’, and even with mindfulness and lists I can’t stick to tasks if anything distracts me in the slightest (which means wasted time trying to remember what I was doing, and then getting back on task). I am wiggly wriggly, and unless I can get what I am saying out within 5-15 seconds of thinking of it, it’s gone and then I’m incredibly distressed and upset because that thought? It’s not coming back. Oh yes, and if we reach back to the school days? I was the classic underachiever; I had teachers whine at me all the freaking time about how my standardized test scores were 99th percentile; why was I getting Cs? That’s not forgetting my non-existent threshold for stress, short temper, irritability, and hypersensitivity to criticism. Yeah yeah, I own up to these things; it does me no good to deny them.

Now, in my favor? I don’t think anyone would realize it effects my work because I am super-effective strength of 10 men worker bee, and always have been. I’ve always worked hard to control impulsive behavior, have overcome most of my addictive problems, and have pretty decent self-esteem. I do my best to organize and streamline things I need to do, whether it’s stacking things a certain way (visual clues are good), or writing a list, or asking my husband what I said I was going to be doing.

But it boils down to the same problem I’ve had with the bipolar — a lifetime of self-management can only go so far. So hopefully the lovely folks at the NHS can help me with this too… as long as I can convince myself that I’m not being a pest, because I’m not.

<3

Check it out! Mid-Afternoon Mental Moment

Hey there all you wonderful folks! Check it out The Mental Moment today is not here. Well big deal you say it hasn’t been here for the last two days either. That’s not what I mean. Today’s Mental Moment… Is over where the lovely and esteemed Red,, someone I like and admire and love  and … Continue reading

Stress is NOT your friend

I’ve seriously been considering going back to therapy. I think if I can alleviate my stress, my BP symptoms would decrease, right?

Every day I am learning something new about my “condition”. Like everything is starting to come back. The yelling all the time, being fatigued, sleep issues (either too much sleep or can’t get to sleep). I’m starting to feel a little depressed also. Like this afternoon, I was reading a school newsletter and I just wanted to burst out and cry. I held it together though. But I wonder, is it better to cry, even if it is for a ridiculous reason? Or is it better to calm yourself down and hold that cry in?

I want to be normal. And well, I’m not. And while I used to be quite ok with the fact that I wasn’t normal, I’d really LOVE to be normal. But I don’t think anyone is. Everyone has something wrong with them. Ya know?

I’m just not doing well. I mean, I’m on the verge of not doing well. I see all the signs of getting ready to flip out… I know its coming. It’s been a long time coming actually.

Just so many things going on in my life, of course they are little things, that have combined into one huge thing that is making me stress. But I have to remember that I could have it worse. I don’t have it bad at all. But still, shit happens and what are you gonna do. You get pissed off about it. You realize something is wrong, and then you have to figure out how to fix it.

Everything is so fucked up right now.

I got a note from the school nurse again about my daughter not being current on her shots. WTF, bitch! I just talked to you about this on MONDAY! (This is something that totally stresses me out, and I don’t think my husband gets it… No, I KNOW he doesn’t get it. Hell, I don’t even get it. I just know it causes me great stress and anxiety)

Still no car. And I have to get used to the fact that, well… I’m not going to be getting one. Why? Because I have damaged my husband. And, I honestly can’t change it. It’s his problem that has turned into my problem. He thinks if I get a car, I will leave him. I will become “independent” and leave him for someone else…. Honestly, I’m too old for those games. I can’t play them anymore. Not interested. (Of course who knows what will happen if I get manic)

Also, we had a convo the other day. He will feel uncomfortable if I lose weight. He wants me to lose weight, but… He doesn’t want other guys looking at me, showing interest in me, and then…. say it with me! LEAVE HIM FOR ANOTHER GUY. *sigh* I did this to him, but leaving him, and kicking him out. I damaged him. I told him I am not going anywhere, but he doesn’t believe it apparently. So now, I am stuck and I feel like a prisoner basically. I realize these are HIS issues. But I am the cause of them. And that is where I am stuck. I don’t know how to fix this.

But I didn’t mean for this to be a big bitch fest…

I just want you all to know that, I’m not doing so hot right now. I’m in an odd place. A place I have never been (or recall being in) I just want to be left alone. At a concert, listening to some LOUD LIVE MUSIC. But even the thought of that isn’t making me smile.

Fuck me… (An no, not like the sexual act… I mean like the aggravated term.)

I’d love a big fat doobie right about now. I just need to get away for a day.

 

Penciled In

A few trains of thought about pencils. Hopefully this will purge them from my already scrambled brain. —— Pencils or …

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