Monthly Archives: September 2012

Facedown in the gutter again

Yesterday was not one of my finer days.

Dad and his brood took Spook for six hours to some redneck function…and rather than accomplishing all the things I put off because she is underfoot…I basically sat the whole day vegetating, enjoying my season premiers of my favorite tv shows. Then I began to feel anxious without her here and I had some whiskey.

Bad girl, yes I know.

Tis the only thing that kills that level of anxiety and paranoia.

It also made me sleepy.

So I laid down.

For all of forty five minutes til they returned Spook. And my dad was like, “Have you been SLEEPING?” Like I was sacrificing young children to Satan or something untoward. Yes, I had a bit of a nap, big fucking deal.

They stayed awhile to tell me how much fun she had.

Then I fed her and my mood hit rock bottom because damn it,  I feel shitty that between being fucking broke all the time and being terrified of any event with large crowds, I don’t do anything fun with my kid. I play with her at home sure, but I can only stand to take her outside every once in a blue moon because truth be told, I fear the neighborhood we live in and the people here.

My damn neuroses are going to ruin her childhood.

I put Spook to bed, then fell face first into my own bed, took a Trazadone and Xanax cocktail, and waited…and waited. For sleep. My mind just kept going round and round. Thoughts of her father and his venom, and how he is so broke he acted like being asked to buy some diapers was a hardship yet he is spotted outside his job smoking cigarettes everyday so how poor can he be…And I got angry and more angry. Then I got depressed and the self loathing began, because ya know, whose fault is it, I am the one who got involved with him.

Arghhhhhh.

It was toward midnight when I finally fell to sleep, and by then, my mood was so dark, I might have done something crazy had I been awake much longer. My self esteem has been thru a criss cross cut shredder and I suck at puzzles so putting it back together seems impossible. Or am I failing to regulate my emotions? (I HATE THAT COUNSELOR, HATE HER HATE HER HATE HER, AND I KNOW SHE MEANS WELL SO I FEEL LIKE A BITCH FOR HATING HER BUT SHE IS DOING ME MORE HARM THAN GOOD!!!!

Saddest part is, I don’t have the balls to go ask for a different counselor. In all honesty, I am kind of scared of this woman, like if I did ask for someone different, she might actually refuse and claim I am just being a brat…Or worse, alter my records in some way detrimental to me.

Eh, who says paranoia makes sense anyway?

I just wish there was a way to take some of these doubting Thomases who don’t believe how bad depression can be and let them spend an evening in the mind frame I was in last night…Which scared the hell out of me, because I couldn’t come up with anything good about myself or a reason for me to keep drawing breath. And I believed it and I knew the only way out was to sleep it off…

just so

sick

of it.

 


Back to DBT, Week 16ish

After three glorious weeks off from DBT, it was time to go back. Back to Core Mindfulness again, with two …

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30 Days Condensed, Like Soup

A challenge is always fun and I found one.  Ok I found two but one at a time.  Edward Hotspur got this from Benzeknees.  She in turn got it from Pink Ninjabi...  and… and…  anyways… It’s one of those 30 day challenges where you, I guess, do a post a day on the given topic. … Continue reading

Semi-suck (9/28/12 post)

Ya know how chocolate chips are semi-sweet?

Today was semi-suck.

My mood was alllll over the place because in my infinite premature alzheimer’s state I forgot to take my meds before I went out the door. No, I am not proud of this, especially considering how much crap I give others for their crap memories. It is what it is, though, so I went through about ten mood swings before lunch, shifting from blah to manic to too manic to crash landing to anger to acceptance to…You get the idea. It didn’t dawn on me while until halfway through the morning, I just thought I was having problems “regulating my emotions”.

Um…NO.

Without the mood stabilizer I am a merry go round on a roller coaster ride from freaking hell.

And I can never seem to apologize enough for this to those in my proximity who have to deal with it.

Because wow, when the too manic goes into plain pissed off…it ain’t pretty.

I managed. Though I am sure I raised some questions because of the rapid shifts in behavior/train of thought/et al. (I was trying to regulate my emotions during a manic episode, so the fact no one got dead is pretty damn impressive.)

Oh,well.

I am finally home and the day is done.

I didn’t think it ever would be. Before I could even pick Spook up, R was calling to tell me there was a girl in the shop who did something to her netbook and could I come look at it…So I took Spook to the shop (after a ten minute treaty-treat of hearing about the problems of many befalling my mother and sister’s zoo) and had the girl’s problem figured out in like, three minutes. Then I had to get cat food and told Spook she couldn’t have a ten dollar Dora toy so she promptly threw an unholy screaming mimi in the parking lot. I had to pick her up, press her against me, and carry the screaming thrashing kicking octopus to the car.

She’s usually not that bad.

Then we get home and somehow,I am held responsible for feeding mom and them and getting my nephew to his school dance so I just parted with my weekend money and told them to hit me back Monday when mom gets paid. Spook and I have food and don’t really need to go anywhere. I would have given a kidney to shut them up, I have empathy and sympathy but after 15 years of this every month with my sis and her husband never going to work for a fucking hour to try and help themselves…Cripes, enough already.

Needless to say,I was not home before 5pm…but surprisingly, my world did not implode, as I have thought for the last year that it would.

I can’t begin to explain that particular neuroses, wish I could.

But every day around 4 pm, I go into panic mode because I am terrified if I don’t get home like NOW, the world will implode…Routine is essential, it is crucial…

Yet yesterday the routine was out the fucking window and it sent me reeling and I was ready to just dissolve into a puddle of tears…the world did not end.

Of course, proof positive means fuck all to my mental issues.

Monday it will be the same thing all over.

And I kick myself for not being strong enough to “regulate my emotions”, as the counselor says, but nothing has changed.

Except I survived another day, when in the past, I would have fallen to pieces.

Why must personal progress be so goddamned slow?

GRRRRR


The Story Of DeeDee And Ruby

Reblogged from A Canvas Of The Minds: Last October, I had the honor and joy of meeting my amazing Canvas …

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Intimacy has two I’s, no We, Need a Y? , Mid-Afternoon Mental Moment

Hey look! LOOK!  We made it to another Friday.  Oh I should do a new Friday sign.  Well not should but I want to.  Yo know what they say though. You don’t? Can;t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need. That was a … Continue reading

Flash in the Pan; Dinner

This week’s word for The Flash in the Pan  - Flash Fiction Challenge ; dinner It’s not really this weeks word, it’s the word I picked.  Last week maybe? Red from Momma’s Money Matters is offering up the challenge and anyone can join the fun,  Just link your offering to the post on M3 with … Continue reading

One Fine Day in Denver

Not long ago, Canvas co-ringleader Ruby Tuesday “outed” herself and mentioned that she lives in the Denver area. As it …

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when all else fails, blame it on the bipolar

the bitch fest continues.

so now my favorite part about being “bipolar” is that it can conveniently become the scapegoat for all emotional responses.  irritability, for instance.  rather than being a normal response to a shitty situation is now reinterpreted to reflect “an extreme mood swing”.

fucking awesome.

say you fly 2000 miles and pay $400 (on a graduate student salary) to see someone, a boyfriend perhaps, for his birthday.  you meet up with his friends and some family and plan to go out, except boyfriend hasn’t slept in two nights and he isn’t feeling well.  no biggie, we’ll have dinner and hang out rather than go out.

the meals haven’t even arrived yet.  i roll a cigarette to go out and smoke.  boyfriend says, please don’t smoke right now, it will make me nauseous.  okay, i put it away.  a few minutes later, he’s saying, can you just not smoke for the entire night?  mind you, there are other smokers in the party.  i say that’s a little silly, and i will smoke less.  boyfriend then proceeds to give me shit about starting smoking again.  i say, do you really want to do this now?

so, boyfriend decides from that point on to stop talking to me and ignore me.  he puts his arm up and turns completely away to talk to other people at the table.  this is awkward.  these are his friends and family.  what am i supposed to do?

this ignoring continues for the rest of the night, and is supplemented by whispering to his friends about “the situation” with my smoking.  awesome.

i get pissed.  i try to play it cool.  as the night wears on, i’m thinking about all the money i spent to be here.  i’m thinking i should be grading right now.  i was about to burst so i went outside to vent to my mom.

once the night is over and his friends drop us off, he starts to play nice.  i’m still livid.  boyfriend thinks i have no right to be mad and that i should just stop because it’s his birthday.  eventually we work it out.

come to find out, my actions were somehow an “extreme mood swing” and that i made his birthday all about me, and that his family member who was present got a bad impression of me, and so on.  oh, and that i didn’t seem to “care” that he was sick.  never mind he is ALWAYS FUCKING SICK and isn’t on top of taking care of his health and i have only taken care of him a baJILLION fucking times. and on top of it, i was concerned about how he was feeling…until he started IGNORING ME.

apparently, i’m supposed to apologize.  for what, i don’t know.  also, the apparent appropriate reaction in that situation was to “fake it”.  i don’t know how to say this any more clearly: that is NOT how i roll.

my grandmother once asked me to “fake it” when my mom and i weren’t getting along.  i said to hell with that plan.  if i won’t do it for my grandma, i sure as hell won’t do it for boyfriend.

i’ve dated my share of douches that try to make me second guess myself, and i’ve resolved to trust my gut.  but when it comes to the bipolar, i’m on shaky ground.  suddenly i have a mood disorder, so i have doubts about what “normal” vs “bipolar” behavior is.  and this vulnerability scares me, and it makes me fucking angry.  i can’t definitively defend myself because I. Don’t. Know.  To me, my reaction makes sense in light of the situation.  and i’m so furious that i can’t defend myself, and that if i try, my anger will come off as more proof of my mood instability.

but i’m just so angry because now bipolar is a crutch for any mood, valid or not.  and using it is like a subtle reminder: you’re actually crazy and you can’t trust your own reality.


my ambivalent relationship with myself

I’m back.  For how long, I don’t know.  I took August off to prepare for the semester, but I haven’t had time since the semester started either.  Teaching 160 kids is more work than I could have imagined.  I’m behind, always.  Research is at a standstill.  I work 7 days a week.

Enough bitching about work.  Time to bitch about something else.

Relationships.  I hate them.  And it has occurred to me that I hate them, in part, because they reflect back all of my past and force me to face it.

Trust issues.  Abandonment issues.  The infamous daddy issues.  I fucking hate all of them.  But in a relationship, they’re all there staring me in the face.  Laughing at my inability to render them inert.

I can identify when they’re affecting me.  That’s not the hard part.  The hard part is reflecting on why they are there in the first place.  That they bring me to a place of pain and suffering.  A place where I feel helpless and unable to change things.  I feel weak and inferior.

So, I do the logical thing (sarcasm) and get angry.  I lash out because I feel pain so I need to inflict it too.  I need to make the person who hurt me suffer.

I run away to escape the overwhelming feelings.  I brood.  I hate relationships more and wish I could be single so I don’t have to face these things about myself.  Single me can move forward, and not be defined by those past experiences.  In a relationship, I don’t have that control.

And it’s a vicious cycle, having trust issues.  I have some insight but no trust to tell someone, no way to address them within the context of a relationship.  Rational or not, no one is safe.  Letting someone see me with all of my weaknesses is a threat I cannot bear.

I would rather be alone.