So, as I do every morning, I am checking my facebook and then my daughter’s tumblr. And as per the usual, I see something outrageous about me….
Apparently, all my daughter’s life, I spent time taking care of all of my friends children’s problems and not hers. Just for the record, that is so totally not true.
I have one friend here. She has a son, but I don’t recall ever helping him out with anything. No one wants to hang around me because I’m boring and lame. So her perception is a bit warped in my opinion.
But then the root of the real problem lies here; She goes on to say, that with all of the therapy I have had, I should have seen that there was something wrong with HER. (the blame game at it’s finest)
And in fact I did see things wrong with her from time to time, and when we could afford it I took her to get help.
I have apologized to her on numerous occasions about not being a perfect parent. I have told her on several occassions how much I love her; I might not agree with some of the things she does, but I LOVE her and always will. And that is just not enough. So then, being as fucked up as I am, I start to worm through my head, trying to figure out all of the things I did wrong and how can I fix them, and then that leads to me feeling bad about myself, I’m a failure, look what I did to my child, I’m awful, horrible, piece of shit… you know how it goes…. And that is all it really takes to fuck me up.
I can’t win. And I keep telling myself that her perception of things are not how things really were. And then I rack my brain trying to figure out why she can’t see things the way they really are. Then I remind myself that everyone has a different perception of reality. But hers is just really skewed. And then I wonder if she just lies about stuff to get attention or to get people to feel sorry for her, or if she lies about things because that is the way she thinks things really happened?
And then I go back to the whole narcissistic thing… And it is like a big wall that stands in front of me. I’m looking up at it and it towers over me. It is so much bigger than I am, and I don’t know how to break it down.
I’m in an odd position. I want to desperately fix how she sees me and how she perceives the things I do. Not to use this an an excuse but… She is dealing with a parent who has some mental issues; her whole life she has seen me either going through a depression, being terrified and paranoid from being stalked, or going up in down on a roller coaster of emotions from the bipolar. She has not been shy about telling me and other people that she liked things better when it was just her and I against the world. She is not happy about the way we raised her. She was the center of the family, she got all the attention, but in her eyes we did nothing for her.
Maybe one day she will see how hard we tried. Maybe one day she will understand how difficult it is for me to just fucking live day to day. She wants everyone to understand where she is coming from, but when you try to explain your side of things, she just sticks her fingers in her ears, shuts her eyes, and sings “nananananana I can’t hear you” (not literally, but figuratively).
I don’t know what to do or where to go from here. I think I need to start looking for a therapist…. This shit along with a couple other things going on are driving me nuts…
I’m just tired of all the blame getting laid upon me. Yes, I did some things wrong. I’m not perfect. I have apologized and have tried to make things better from here on out…. but damn…. I can’t take the lies about me. Its just like tiny motlen daggers in my heart.