Daily Archives: July 25, 2012

Aggressive Narcissism

 

Somehow I got the bright idea to look up narcissism. My daughter has shown some signs, and I wanted to read up on it and see if I was right. And then I found this:

Aggressive Narcissism

this is 100% my oldest daughter. Every. Single. One. of those criteria she meets. So then… how do you deal with a Narcissist? Help?

Leg Breakers

Strange how such a quaint English cricketing term can mean something quite so different in another language. Interruptores de la pierna – leg breakers – is the term that the local walkers of The Way use to describe the 24.5km worth of vertiginous ascents and descents that make up the 4th stage of The Northern way, from Deba to Markina-Xemein.

I took the photograph above looking down on Deba, where I stayed last night, at about 8am this morning, having reached what seemed satisfyingly like the summit of a climb that felt at times like it was verging on vertical. Turns out it was probably less than a quarter of the way up.

It was also at that point that I met some fellow walkers who asked me for directions (Asking me. For directions. I know. Unbelievable).

Once I’d confidently pointed them in the general direction of what seemed like the steepest way up (just getting my own back on the cyclists the day before yesterday), we engaged it a bit of Esperanto and it turns out that I have a nickname amongst the other walkers: apparently, I’m the ‘Fast Walking Blogger’. Not quite the Street Fighting Man but hey, seems like I’ve got some rambling rep already.

Did I say rambling? After the initial ascent, there were a succession of dirt roads and concrete tracks that led me perniciously upwards again…

And again…

And yet again…

After which, rather inevitably, they went down…(you’ve got the picture by now; suffice to say this happened several times more than once).

But needless to say, all utterly worth it just for the privilege of some spectacular mountain views, the first of which below will be my last glimpse of the sea for the next three or four days as I head inland for about 70Km.

But as they say, what goes up, must come down, and I think all I need to say about the photograph below was that it was taken as I was walking backwards down the final stretch, bum in the air and walking poles pointing backwards, in a last ditch attempt to save my knees.

The image below is a cloistered monument at the base of the last mountain which offered some welcome shade at the end of the walk, cooled by these huge stones.

I asked the locals later on in the evening what the monument signified and got two different stories. One quite prosaic: legend has it that this part of the coast used to be underwater and when sea levels fell, these rocks were left behind. The other a bit more fun: the figure you sea in the background represents the ‘perfect wife’ and the story goes that if you pass under the rocks without touching them you are destined to marry the most appalling wife imaginable.

But I thought I’d leave you with picture of just about the only soul I saw along the way today. Don’t know about you, but Major out of The Aristocats springs to mind…

Oh yes, and this one:

Filed under: On The Road Tagged: Deba, El Camino del Norte, Markina-Xemein, Photograph, Rethink Mental Illness, Walking

Oh, Mother!

So, lots has been going on since my last post…..

My Mother is finally here! She arrived on the 17th. She is well & happy, and I am very grateful that she is here. I had an awful episode on the 15th which lasted for a couple of days. I was able to get my shit together in time for her arrival, thank heavens. I did not want her to see me all freaked out like that, it is upsetting for her as she is probably reminded of my siblings and their erratic behaviour, and we all know what became of them.

She arrived bearing gifts, as usual. I how have a sleek new HP laptop which is awesome. She bought all kinds of things for all of us, which is really cool. But the best thing is that I now have someone who I can count on for support.  And we all know how important that is. She wants me back in therapy ASAP, and I have to be sure to take my meds.  A small price to pay for my sanity and well being, I guess.

Now about my episode…..

I woke up on Sunday the 15th to angry accusations about something I wrote here on my blog. What a way for a Bipolar type 1 to wake up! I had been hanging on by a thread for the last couple of months, and to be woken like that just set me off in the worst way possible. I felt the anger & sorrow rise in me like a tsunami that is caused by a super earthquake. I went to take a shower to try & calm down, only to start sobbing under the running water, and primal screams were stuck in my throat, which did come out after a minute or so of being in the shower. It was awful. Then when I finished my shower & got dressed, I went outside to speak about what had transpired. I was shaking with anger, and I totally lost control. I attempted to shove the person who was responsible [husband] and wound up getting tossed into the pool fully clothed. HOLY SHIT! I was beyond  anger at that point, all I felt was rage & hate. I wound up saying a few things during my episode, I don’t remember much, but I do remember saying “CONGRATULATIONS! You [husband] have succeeded in finally breaking me down and ruining the stability that I have been working so hard for!”  There was other stuff said as well, but it’s all a blur. And I am not conveniently forgetting, I truly don’t remember! Anyway, I wound up sobbing in the bathroom for awhile, and a friend of ours who was here came into the bathroom and sat with me and was very reassuring. They told me that all of this wasn’t my fault, and that I needed to go to the Doctor & Therapist to help me with my problem, and that I should probably take my meds because I would probably feel calmer. I just cried and cried on their shoulder, and they just kept saying over & over that it wasn’t my fault, and that I shouldn’t worry, everything would be ok. I just love this person, they accept me for who & what I am, and without their support I would have been in Hospital.  I wound up pulling myself together enough to get dressed and then to leave the house with my friend for awhile. My friend spoke to my son whilst I was pulling myself together, and they told me that my son hadn’t heard the ugliness that happened, and that my son was ok, he understands that people have disagreements and sometimes need to go for a walk to cool off. I was so relieved that all was ok with my son, and when I went for a long walk with my friend I was a bit calmer. I had to take a larger dose of mood stabilizer and a Valium, and I brought a 10 mg zyprexa with me just in case I needed it. We were gone for about 4 hours, which helped me immensely. I was still shaky for the rest of the day and the next day. I was so thankful that my friend was around, they know how hard things have been for me and they know about the problems I have been having in my relationship with my husband. My friend was angry with my husband for setting me off, they know how hard I have been trying to keep my shit together for the past few months, and for my husband to wake me up and start bitching about something that didn’t even pertain to him! well, that pissed my friend off.  My friend, whose name begins with A, has a sister who is Bipolar, and A knows that you shouldn’t try and agitate a Bipolar! It’s a really stupid thing to do, especially when you know how fragile we can be & how hard it is to keep moods in check.  Fuck!!! I hate myself, I hate this fucking illness and  I really fucking hate the fact that I need meds & therapy.

Self Doubt

I commented to one of my best friends yesterday that I do my best to not wallow in self-doubt… which means I’m having a dose of it today. Irony, thy name is irony.

Thankfully, I’m not doing too much in the doubting regard. I have stayed at home today, and the doubt comes in because I wonder whether or not I’m being especially wussy for having stayed in. Should I have made myself tough out another day at work, or did I make the right decision by avoiding people? I know I’m feeling vaguely saner today now that I’m on my lonesome, but I also felt there was a real risk of depression clubbing me over the head with nobody at hand to talk past it with. It as I’ve said – whatever choice I make, whatever action I do… it’s going to be wrong somehow. And that’s about where I draw myself up, lest I trick myself into funking harder than I am.

So yeah… here’s hoping that today is enough to sort of balance me out enough to drag myself into work tomorrow. The temptation to stay home ‘forever’ and let my brain’s self-destruction win is very high right now. But here I am, still trying to push through it, and hoping the tide turns soon.

<3

Short Gets Shorter

I’ve been less than thrilled with my hair and it was time for a trim, so I wanted a new …

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