There is so much confusion going on around here, I don’t know where to begin!
The confusion is not just the confusion in my head, it’s the confusion in my LIFE. The only thing that seems to give me a sense of calm is exercise…..it gives me a chance to not focus on anything except the exercises that I am doing. This gives my tired mind some respite from the decisions I need to make about the changes that are coming in my life. What changes? Well…..
I need to be happier in my personal relationships [husband]. I have written about how we haven’t been getting along for the last 10 months or so, and I feel like the situation really needs to change, or I am just going to lose my shit. I am having a very hard time making this decision, I don’t want to mess up our family, but I don’t know how much longer I can live like this. I am so weary…..I haven’t been sleeping well at all for the past couple of weeks, I get up and exercise even though I am exhausted. It does give me some energy, as do my vitamins, but I still feel like Atlas with the weight of the world on my shoulders and at the end of the day I just want to collapse. I go to bed and fall asleep, but I wake up in the middle of the night and cannot fall back asleep. It sucks. And there are the issues with my Husband……too much to write. Suffice to say that there are some private issues that I won’t get into, and there is the whole blame thing that he has done…..the Bipolar Monkey on my back is the apparently the whole reason that things are so bad between us. Never mind that for the past 6 weeks I have been the picture of calm & patience, I am still a horrible mood-swinging Lady Demon. It is very unfair and I am harbouring some real resentment towards him which I don’t know how to get over. I need to talk to the Therapist and see if there is any way that I can overcome this. I am sorry to say that sometimes I get the feeling of just not really caring anymore, which in turn makes me sad…….we have been together for 13 years. Our 10th wedding anniversary is this month, and I find myself just sad about it, not happy about the milestone that we have reached. We were together for 3 years before we married, and I remember that time as being very happy. Granted, I was much younger then, and my brothers hadn’t yet killed themselves. We have been through a lot together, deaths and the birth of our Son and I do have some amazing memories of the times before I had my Crazy Manic Nervous Breakdown and subsequent diagnosis of Bipolar 1. After starting Lithium, the next year & a half was a blur. I was so sick mentally & physically that when we came to Costa Rica the first time all I could concentrate on was being well. I did get well, healthy & happy. Then when we left Costa Rica everything started to slowly go wrong. I have been unhappy [and so has my husband] for over 2 years now, and really discontented for the past 10 months. So, we decided to come back to the happiest place on earth to see if that would help.
What am I going to do? I have no fucking idea, and I need to figure it out because my Mum will be here on the 17th and I need to have a plan. I am looking at a small villa that is just a few doors down from where I am now tomorrow at 2pm, and I have a Realtor looking at places for me as well. The question is, “Is my Husband going to move with me?” I am not sure.
Why do relationships have to be so confusing? Isn’t Life hard enough as it is?