Daily Archives: July 6, 2012

Confusion

There is so much confusion going on around here, I don’t know where to begin!

The confusion is not just the confusion in my head, it’s the confusion in my LIFE. The only thing that seems to give me a sense of calm is exercise…..it gives me a chance to not focus on anything except the exercises that I am doing. This gives my tired mind some respite from the decisions I need to make about the changes that are coming in my life. What changes? Well…..

I need to be happier in my personal relationships [husband]. I have written about how we haven’t been getting along for the last 10 months or so, and I feel like the situation really needs to change, or I am just going to lose my shit. I am having a very hard time making this decision, I don’t want to mess up our family, but I don’t know how much longer I can live like this. I am so weary…..I haven’t been sleeping well at all for the past couple of weeks, I get up and exercise even though I am exhausted. It does give me some energy, as do my vitamins, but I still feel like Atlas with the weight of the world on my shoulders and at the end of the day I just want to collapse. I go to bed and fall asleep, but I wake up in the middle of the night and cannot fall back asleep. It sucks. And there are the issues with my Husband……too much to write. Suffice to say that there are some private issues that I won’t get into, and there is the whole blame thing that he has done…..the Bipolar Monkey on my back is the apparently the whole reason that things are so bad between us. Never mind that for the past 6 weeks I have been the picture of calm & patience, I am still a horrible mood-swinging Lady Demon. It is very unfair and I am harbouring some real resentment towards him which I don’t know how to get over. I need to talk to the Therapist and see if there is any way that I can overcome this. I am sorry to say that sometimes I get the feeling of just not really caring anymore, which in turn makes me sad…….we have been together for 13 years. Our 10th wedding anniversary is this month, and I find myself just sad about it, not happy about the milestone that we have reached. We were together for 3 years before we married, and I remember that time as being very happy. Granted, I was much younger then, and my brothers hadn’t yet killed themselves. We have been through a lot together, deaths and the birth of our Son and I do have some amazing memories of the times before I had my Crazy Manic Nervous Breakdown and subsequent diagnosis of Bipolar 1.  After starting Lithium, the next year & a half was a blur. I was so sick mentally & physically that when we came to Costa Rica the first time all I could concentrate on was being well. I did get well, healthy & happy. Then when we left Costa Rica everything started to slowly go wrong. I have been unhappy [and so has my husband] for over 2 years now, and really discontented for the past 10 months. So, we decided to come back to the happiest place on earth to see if that would help.

What am I going to do? I have no fucking idea, and I need to figure it out because my Mum will be here on the 17th and I need to have a plan. I am looking at a small villa that is just a few doors down from where I am now tomorrow at 2pm, and I have a Realtor looking at places for me as well. The question is, “Is my Husband going to move with me?” I am not sure.

Why do relationships have to be so confusing? Isn’t Life hard enough as it is?

Weekly Photo Challenge: Movement

When I read this week’s photo challenge theme, movement, I thought, “I have nothing that works for this.” Wrong. I …

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Other Brain Games

I’ve got an appointment booked in with my GP for this afternoon to bring up a newish brain problem, this one a physical one. I keep having random sparkly ‘plosions across my brain lobes, which I don’t know what to make of. The trigger for me to finally go talk about it was something that happened last week; I had two episodes in the same day which felt like someone had dropped an Alka-Seltzer™ or some other fizzy product on the back of my brain. My brain felt like it was fizzing, and that’s just… no. And then it happened again a few hours later, and I seriously have no idea what to make of it.

Mind you, I’m hoping it’s nothing serious. For all I know, it could be related to being medicated, since most of the incidents have occurred since I’ve been getting treated (if not all). I did bring it up the last time I saw my psychiatrist person at the hospital, and he seemed to concur that it would be a thing to take up with the GP. I am just aware that it could be something, and that it’s better to ask than not in this sort of thing. I’m hyper-aware of physical brain issues, as one of my best friends had a tumor, and another has seizures. I almost feel like I’m ripping them off by having this sort of stuff happen, but that’s stupid — why would I try to psychosomatically force myself into having seizures or tumors or anything related? I wouldn’t… nobody would. It’s just a weird coincidence.

It’s silly, but that’s sort of how I feel about all my various health issues as they spring up — as if I am an imposition for trying to get any help or advice. This is likely a product of having no significant health care growing up; I can count on one hand the number of times I saw a doctor growing up, and most of those were for inoculations. Military healthcare is pretty much tick tick the boxes, moving on (though it was surprisingly easy to get to the chiropractor, in their favour). And because if you have any significant health issues while in the military you risk getting kicked out via medical board, it discourages some folks from getting any real help for fear of losing their job and time towards retirement. So I was in my late 20s before I even had a chance to learn out to be a patient, and it’s coming slowly. It’s somewhat easier now because I’m not in a constant fog of pain and nausea like I was before I got pregnant with my daughter, so I’m not as easily talked over. But I still feel like some sort of hypochondriac pain in the ass. Bad brain, bad — let’s get over that!

So anyways, here’s hoping that I actually stand up for myself and express myself clearly, instead of mumbling diffidently like it’s not a big deal. It might not be a big deal in the scheme of things, but I won’t know unless I stand up and get it checked out. :D

<3

 

Missing: Donut, Hole-less with Sprinkles. Reward for its Return (preferably unlicked)

This is not cool. I think I fell through  a wormhole and into a parallel universe.   I don’t even know  what a wormhole is yet, I think fell through one?  It must be true then.  Right?  You can’t make stuff up and know what you are talking about.  That’s just plain crazy. Things aren’t right..  Everything … Continue reading