Daily Archives: July 4, 2012
Happy Fourth of July!!!! Today is the day in the United States we celebrate our Independence. I think that it is easy to forget the meaning of these holidays like Memorial Day…Labor Day, Fourth of July.. they all had real and deep meaning when they were started and now it seems like just a celebration … Continue reading
I do not want to go anywhere.
I do not want to do anything.
I cannot find a reason to feel hopeful or excited to be alive.
Everything seems like an enormous task, and I am overwhelmed.
The only thing I look forward to anymore is going to sleep.
I am frustrated with my meds/doctor/insurance company, which adds to the anxiety and depression.
I am irritable, quick to be irritated, impatient, testy…
Food tastes blah.
I sit and I chain smoke and I stare off into space or try to lose myself watching TV shows on dvd or on line.
My mind is just…dark.
I am worse instead of better after all these months. Ten months.
Am I not entitled to my frustration and annoyance?
I do NOT want to take anti psychotics because of the weight gain and side effects. I do not believe I should have to since I am not delusional and my paranoia is anxiety based. I do not believe anyone is out to get me. I just fear the worst will always happen and it has enough that I’ve been brainwashed.
I need to be deprogrammed, not given even more pills.
The one thin that might help I don’t dare ask for, lest she take my Xanax away entirely rather than increase it. I did so well on the higher dose. So well.
I feel like I’m secondary in my own treatment plan, like I get no say and I am just expected to lay down and let myself be used as a welcome mat.
I am still reeling from how screwed up the Abilify made my brain. I am not longer using a brain wrapped in gauze and cobwebs with a skeleton crawling out of my skin.
I just…want to go to sleep.
Like, forever. Not by my own hand, that’s too dramatic.
Just…go to sleep. Not die. Just sleep indefinitely, until this depression lifts, until the meds combine and work. The Lamictal and Xanax and Trazadone work well. Now…how about an anti depressant my insurance company won’t substitute? EFFEXOR.
I don’t want to be depressed, this is the 4th of July, I should be out doing something with my kid.
Instead, I am holed up inside with her, listless and pissy and sooooo not wanting to go to the shrink appointment tomorrow because after ten months, I am getting worse instead of better but it’s never the medication’s fault, it’s always mine. Or so Dr C convinced me. That idiot did more damage than good and I will never let it go. I should, but I won’t. I went against my own instincts and gave him a chance. It won’t happen again. My gut told me not to trust the donor and I ignored it. It’s not magical thinking to have a gut feeling. I need to trust myself more.
I feel like such a loser. I went out earlier with the ass end of my pants ripped out and didn’t even know it. Because I am treading water and it’s getting up my nose and in my mouth and it’s all I can do to put clothes on myself and my kid, I don’t have the wherewithal to stop and make sure my pants have an ass in them.That’s three times that has happened in two months.
I have gone down the tubes and I just want to scream FIX ME NOW!
This is depression.
Living in the United Kingdom, I don’t do that much to celebrate American independence. I do love fireworks, but not enough to go find some to blow up on the day. No, instead I hang out with another ex-pat friend on the nearest weekend and BBQ; this tradition is only a couple of years old, but we’re both sincere about keeping it going. After all, what is more American than enjoying good food with friends? Very little, I maintain!
Still, I’m going to actually be amongst people tonight, so I figured I’d try my hand at making a most American dessert to take along. As it’s a crafting group, I immediately discarded pie as too messy (as much as I do love a good apple pie). Instead, I opted for something that says summer and July very strongly to me — the Coca-Cola cake. The ingredients look too weird to make anything good, but I hoped the memory of taste from 17 years or so ago held true. It turn out it did — the piece I let myself have last night was indulgently rich and light, and I think it’s a fine example of American ingenuity (and science). It makes me think of my father’s birthday parties, as that was when we would have the cake. My grandmother would make it, and we’d enjoy it outside by their pool, basking in the glorious Texas//July sunshine. It’s hard to not feel free under those circumstances, and grateful too to have such bounty.
But really, on a day like today, one doesn’t need a big external display; one can merely look inward and reflect on the good and bad about the US of A. It’s a scrappy nation full of optimism and opinion. That doesn’t mean that it’s all good opinion, but there is a lot to be said about the bootstraps mentality (and against it too, but yanno… two sides to all coins). I can appreciate the rugged individualism just as much as I admire the British sense of community and all-in-it-togetherness.
But today… I’ll mainly think about the cake.
I would really like to communicate with a reliable individual who can give me advice on how to deal with my abilities. I am an empath, and I need help with learning how to block things from others so I don’t feel them.