Daily Archives: July 1, 2012

avoiding interruption of service

today i got a text from t-mobile that my bill is past due.  yesterday, i received an email that my car insurance is set to cancel in 10 days unless i pay the bill.  my electricity payment is late.  my jeep is in the shop.

i have no planned income until the end of august.  my mother is already paying my august rent so i’m not comfortable asking for more money.  hell, i don’t even feel comfortable with her paying my rent…but that’s a story for another post.

this is about as bad as it’s ever been, money wise.  although i did experience some pretty painful times during college where i was just paralyzed by my money issues…i’ve entered the big leagues now.  there is only one solution.

it’s time to get a job.

as much as i’d like to spend the summer planning my fall class, playing video games, and hiking with my boys, that just isn’t a feasible option right now.

i’m thinking about a serving job, even though i promised myself i’d never, ever do it again under any circumstances.  but, i know the business, the hours are good, it’s not a heavy-investment job, and i can quit without many consequences.  plus if i can get a decent shift 4 times a week, that would be a nice supplementary income to my stipend.

i’m also going to start selling things on craigslist.  i have a road bike that i never use.  i’ve got drapes and rods just sitting here from when i was furnishing a 2000 sq ft home.  i really, really should sell my tv (waaaaah!).  if i absolutely have to, i know i can sell my beautiful Nikon because the reality is i’m just not using it right now.  i just have to remember, i can always get another one later.

sigh.


stuck in hell

i’ve really done it this time.  my two, practically back-to-back (May-July, Dec-Jan) spending sprees have left me penniless.  i mean it when i say i am SO. FUCKED.

i have even fucked myself out of moving away from this shit hole.

my plans to move in with my grandma were thwarted in May when my grandma “spontaneously” decided to get a dog, precluding me (and my animals) from moving in.  not to mention my sister has moved in.

i also would have to think about the job situation there.  the economy in california is absolute shit right now, especially for faculty at the community colleges and CSUs.  from what i hear, the public colleges are just imploding on themselves.  i need to make enough to cover bills and pay down some of my credit card debt, and unfortunately it will take a substantial paycheck to do that in california.

i thought about living with my aunt up in the Pacific Northwest, but that turned out to be a sketch idea too.  i’m concerned about the weather affecting my moods, especially since i’d be moving right before fall and winter got started.  both my therapist and my psychiatrist said that bipolars are more susceptible to seasonal affective disorder.  not to mention she lives in a totally isolated place and you have to cross a US border to get to the nearest city, or pay a sizable fee for a ferry ride.  how would i find proper treatment there?  so, i’ve decided to wait until after the winter, and maybe head up there for a month after i leave here.

can’t afford to live on my own in california, or pretty much anywhere else, until i have some money saved up.  so, i’ve decided to stay.  as much as it pains me to say that.

i am working on changing my attitude about this place in the meantime.  if i think about it, it’s really just a bunch of horrible interpersonal experiences that make me hate it so much.  that, and the summer heat (although monsoons are cool), and GIGANTIC FUCKING BUGS.

i just have to forget the fact that it was the long and very painful series of events that set my bipolar episodes of the last year in motion.

there are positive things too.  i have met some friends for whom i have the deepest respect and admiration.  it’s sunny 355.5 days out of the year.  the desert ecology can be pretty.  there is a huge conservation community here, which i like.  i can afford it.  the pace of life is slower and more manageable than in the City of Angels.  i’m far enough away that my family can’t stress me out *too* much.  there is enough distance that they are always happy to talk to me rather than pick apart my life, although there is still some of that too (luckily, escape is just an “end call” button away!).

i’ve made my bed, now it’s time to lie in it.


What Goes Up…..

….must come down.  This gravitational truth hit me with some force this morning.  I was taking part in the Capital to Coast charity bike ride – something I have done ten times in the last eleven years.  It is a hilly 61 mile route from south London to Hove – which is where I live – on the South coast.

I know the route pretty well.  9 miles into the ride we tackle a short, but steep climb up Epsom hill.  This followed by a long downhill sweep.  As I changed gears and relaxed into the descent I was hit with the shattering realisation that I have been on a pretty steep emotional descent myself over the past couple of weeks.  The road rose ahead of me once more to be followed by another steep descent.

Cycling up and down hills – a pretty neat metaphor for a mood swing disorder, huh?  I don’t think so.  The descents are exhilarating, the climbs give me a wonderful sense of achievement.  But today the descents whizzing through the Epsom Downs were full of foreboding. I kept pedalling, nonetheless, despite the sudden jerk of emotional turmoil that drove a spike through my thoughts.  Winston Churchill ( a sufferer of depression himself) once offered this advice: ‘When the going gets tough, keep going.’. And that is exactly what I did.  I was joined at this point on the ride by a whole host of other philosophical thoughts, aphorisms, sayings and guidance.  ‘Stay in the present moment’ – something that is important to do when cycling at 25mph down a hill with blind corners and other riders in front and behind you.  That was no good.  Mentally, the present moment was full of painful realisation.  My personal motto: ‘And this too shall pass’.  Well, yes, my stable, buoyant mood of several months standing has evidently passed.

Mentally, I felt like I had nowhere to turn.  A man even fatter than me, riding a heavily laden Brompton fold – up commuter bike passed me with ease on a hill.  A father and his young daughter eased their way past me on their tandem.  My feet were turning the pedals, my fingers were changing the gears, but my mind was lying in a ditch by the side of the road.

And then there was a short, heavy shower.  I told myself it wouldn’t last, and it was over as abruptly as it had started.  My mood recovered somewhat at that point, but there’s no denying it’s going to take more than  a bit of sunshine, a sit down and a nice cup of tea to put me back on my bike again.

Reflexions

Let me do my work each day;

and if the darkened hours of despair overcome me,

may I not forget the strength

that comforted me in the desolation of other times. May I

still remeber the bright

hours that found me walking

over the silent hills of my

childhood, or dreaming on the

margin of the quiet river,

when a light glowed within me,

and I promised my early God

to have courage amid the

tempests of the changing years.

Spare me from bitterness

and from the sharp passions of

unguarded moments. May

I not forget that poverty and

riches are of the spirit.

Though the world know me not,

may my thoughts and actions

be such as shall keep me friendly

with myself. Lift my eyes

from the earth, and let me not

forget the uses of the stars.

Forbid that I should judge others

lest I condemn myself.

Let me not follow the clamour of

the world, but walk calmly

in my path. Give me few friends

who will love me for what

I am; and keep ever burning

before my vagrant steps

the kindly light of hope. And

though age and infirmity overtake

me, and I come not within

sight of the castle of my dreams,

teach me still to be thankful

for life, and for time’s olden

memories that are good and

sweet; and may the evening’s

twilight find me gentle still.

Max Ehrmann (1872 – 1945)


Can’t Talk — Gaming

I’m sure the fact that I’m playing two games at the same-ish time makes a statement about my mental health… but as it’s probably an upswing sort of thing, I’m not going to worry too much about it. Instead, I’m going to make another coffee, and get back to it! :D

<3

In The Dark….

We had a pretty bad power outage yesterday…. ours lasted 12 hours…. there are thousands of people who are still without power and probably won’t have any until Wednesday.

I lost my cool and had to go take a walk to gather my…. I dunno what… Sanity? Yeah, lets go with that….

Today was better, but I got to spend MONEY! I’m trying really hard to watch that…. I have been spending too much of it lately. Signs are all pointing to bad things, but I am trying to keep it together.