Daily Archives: June 23, 2012

Still way up there!

I am still up, up, up!!! I am very grateful that I am because things have been so screwed up here that being down would probably come close to killing me. What could be the matter? Almost everything!!! Even though I live in Paradise, there are still everyday things that can [and do] go wrong.

The good news is that I am still up and running……still exercising like a madwoman, still getting out & trying to do things…….our Son is doing very well in School and at Home, he is healthy and happy. My Mother had to delay her arrival, so she will be here in the middle of July instead of at the end of this month……that kind of bummed me out, but with the way things have been going around here [personally &  house-wise, more on the house part in a minute] it is really sort of a blessing that she has not been around.

The bad news is that my personal relationship [Husband] has been less than stellar……this has been going on since about September 2011. It has been very rough, though we are very good at hiding it from our Son. Basically, it would appear that my Husband blames me & the Bipolar monkey on my back for all of his emotional problems. I think this has some truth to it, but I still find it infuriatingly unfair…….I don’t try to upset him on purpose. Sometimes whilst in an episode I do not remember things that I say or do, and I am not just conveniently forgetting, I TRULY DON’T REMEMBER!!! I get really upset with myself when I cannot remember things and he knows that……yet he blames me & my behaviour for his problems. I try so hard to not upset him [or anyone] but  you all know how that goes, sometimes the harder you try the worse it is. So, I have pretty much just stopped trying to please everybody and have started concentrating on my own happiness, for if I am not happy, how can I possibly try to make others feel happiness? I have come to the conclusion that we are responsible for our OWN happiness, not the happiness of others. Certainly some of the things we say & do can affect others positively & negatively, but it is ultimately up to the other person to decide how they are going to act/react to whatever comes their way. I learned that in Therapy, and it’s true. It’s usually us Bipolars who have to stop & think about how we are going to act/react, but the same applies to “Normal” people also. Anyway, I have been very busy with my own routine, and I am happier for doing that. My Husband has been quite Depressed [by his own admission] for awhile now…….most of it has to do with my Bipolar and how it has affected him over the years. In the middle of an argument [our Son was at school, that is when we usually argue] he pretty much told me that he gave up his career for me so he could take care of me, and he blames me for his unhappiness in his professional capacity, as well as personally. I realize all that he gave up, but he does do well working from home, though not as well lately….he has not been motivated to work due to his “fragile” emotional state. I don’t mean to sound bitchy, because I know how bad Depression can be [can you say “soul crushing?”] but when someone is not mentally ill [Bipolar or otherwise] it just seems to me that it must be easier to deal with, n’est ce pas? I mean, he can get up, get motivated and accomplish things, whereas when I have been way down, I can’t even get motivated to shower or just even wash my hair! He is lucky that he can get out of bed and shower and get out of the house. I realize that I depend on him a lot……but now that I am feeling stronger [physically & emotionally] I can do things myself, a fact that I realized when he decided that he had to “leave” for a day…….this is not the first time since being here that he has done this…..the first time was when we first moved into this house……he had “had enough” and left us [wife & child] alone in a new house with no clue as to when he would return [which was the next day]. I kept myself together…..I HAD to, because of our Son, he kept asking “where is Father? when is he coming back?” I just told him that Father had some stuff to do and would be back later. I wasn’t sure how much later, but my answer sufficed.  He has left 2x since then, the last time was just this past Monday, June 18th. I have realized just how strong I can be, so he has actually done me a favour in that respect, but I also realized how much he is a huge part of our little family, and how much his presence was missed. At times I felt glad that he was gone, other times just sad & frightened….what would we do if he was really gone for good? I was very worried about him on Monday, he was so sad and I was scared that something bad would happen to him. He came back that night, and I was so relieved to see him that I cried, he did say he was very sorry for worrying me. But later, actually the next day, I realized that I was super pissed at him for doing what he did! What the Fuck?! I mean, you say you are sad, it’s all my fault because I am Bipolar, and you just split, knowing that I might just freak out and lose it? What about our Son? Did you even take him into consideration before deciding that I needed to be punished in this way? Why punish the Kid with your behaviour towards me?! I have to say that I always think of the Kid, always, even when I am flipping out, I think of the Kid. It helps me to hang on & put my problems into perspective, and to actually calm down because I know that the Kid [& the Dog] need me to be strong & reliable. Men! Fucking idiots most of the time, in my opinion.

Whew. I needed to say that.

Now, about the house……I wrote about the plumbing problem and the asshole landlord in a previous post, but now there is a new problem…..the “landlord” does not actually own this house! Some people in Seattle own it, and the “landlord” has been collecting rent and not giving it to the rightful owner. Basically, he & his wife have been stealing from the real owner for years, and not  taking care of the property, hence the plumbing problems & other maintenance issues. The house is in good shape, but when the real owner last saw it 3 years ago, it was in perfect condition……the fake landlord & his thieving wife stole all of the expensive furniture & appliances & fixtures [plumbing & lights] and sold them all!!! They then put in cheaper fixtures, appliances & furniture [we have some new stuff that we added] and started to rent it out. There are Lawyers involved and Police. A very sordid story, I am only telling the basic facts, but seriously?! I DON’T NEED THIS SHIT!!! Not on top of the other bullshit that has been going on with my personal life! It has added that much more stress to the situation, and we all know stress is BAD FOR A BIPOLAR!!! This stuff has all been going on over the past 3 weeks, and my Husband disappearing on Monday probably would have really set me off if I wasn’t in an “up” mood, and I thank exercise and meds for keeping me from flipping out, and also a good friend who was here for me and has been here for our family, dealing with the Lawyers & Police [he translated many of the documents and stuff].  You can probably see why I am grateful that my Mum isn’t here at the moment, she is a nice little old retired lady who does not need to be involved with this sort of drama. She knows what has been going on, and she is glad that she had to delay her arrival. I love my Mother very much, and I want to shield her from any ugliness. What a fucking mess!

So, that’s the story so far. I actually have no idea what is going to happen in the very near future, there might be a move involved. Man. I don’t know how much more I can take without flipping my lid.

10 Tips for Coping With a Bipolar Spouse – Bipolar Disorder Center – Everyday Health

This is for the spouses, but really I think it can apply to anyone in your support system. Pass it along! “Accidently” leave the page up on their computer… It is a little tricky though when your spouse/support system is “anti-meds”. :/

10 Tips for Coping With a Bipolar Spouse – Bipolar Disorder Center – Everyday Health.

Bah Humbug

I apparently woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. Everything is that little bit annoying, and things on the Internet are broken (gasp!). Okay, -a- site is down, but it’s throwing off my daily rhythm. It’s amazing me that it’s not annoying me worse, as it usually does. Maybe all the other little annoyances are somehow buffering against that one, ha ha.

Anyways, I’m going to go wallow in some cough syrup and hardcore gaming, and see if that helps straighten things up. :)

<3

The cure is worse than the disorder

I PURPOSELY skipped my Abilify today…

And for the first time in weeks, I was actually calmer, less paranoid, less anxious, and more focused on what I needed to do at the shop. I think the side effects of the Abilify are overwhelming whatever benefits there might be.

It would seem simple, just stop taking it and tell the doctor I can’t handle the side effects.

I have, however, had such a response to so many meds, and had my feelings quashed or dismissed by doctors, that it is no longer simple for me. I fear that like Dr Osteopath, I will be accused of just not giving the medication an honest try, not giving it enough time, or “not wanting it to work.”

Which is bullshit.

I want to feel better sooo bad. It’s felt for weeks now like my seasonal affect is going in reverse, because I’ve been sleeping later, doing less with my appearance, and just feeling paranoid and anxious and distracted at all times.

Today was the first day I felt normal in weeks.

More like myself, less like a high strung tin foil hat wearing freakazoid.

I am going to give it a couple of days in case it was a fluke, then I will call the shrink and just be honest. I think it might be a good medication, but the side effects are making my condition worse, especially at this higher dose. And she warned me this could happen so I doubt she will be shocked or play the whole “you don’t want to get better” card.

But Osteoshrink scarred me so now I am paranoid of all doctors saying such idiotic things and making me feel shitty.

I just know I liked how I felt today as opposed to how I have been feeling. Part of feeling good is feeling good about yourself, and Abilify is doing the opposite. I think it is on its way out.