Gallery of Insect pix
Gallery of Insect pix
i’ve spent much of the last week in quiet reflection. stewing. simmering. absorbing.
it’s the only way i can manage to process the unsavory idea that my second opinion has returned in the affirmative for bipolar disorder.
it’s still a working diagnosis to be sure, but my PhD, clinical psychologist, who specializes in mood disorders like bipolar, and who has 20 years of experience is inclined to think i’m bipolar too. blast.
shame is the predominant flavor, along with a handful of guilt, a splash of confusion, and a pinch of relief. i’ve thrown in a shake or two of denial too, for good measure.
the shame is perhaps the most irrational of the bunch, because it is just so completely enveloping. i feel like damaged goods. anything negative anyone has ever said about me suddenly feels more true. my enemies have been vindicated. i feel categorically different than “normal” people, like they are living this parallel life, unfazed, and i am watching from the shadows. hell, i AM a shadow.
it’s a delicate dance, and i haven’t been pushing it. i’m letting it wash over me and i’m observing. i will look forward to that period beyond the processing. the feeling of acceptance.
right after i get another opinion…
Is that it’s Friday. I don’t even know why my brain is so fixated on today — it’s not like I work a full-time hell job that kills my soul. I work part-time ’cause I can afford to. I like what I do. I like that I can have a game up in the background, and indeed, am encouraged to by my husband so that I don’t burn myself out with hyperspeed mega-w0rking. I can get up and take breaks, I can take a half hour chat if I want to… so definitely not sure why my mind is so fixated. I guess because being at home means I’ve got both my computers up, and can overclock my geekiness by having multiple games up alongside any crafting I may or may not come down enough to do. Am I up, am I down? I honestly have no idea right now. I think I’ve been in depression, I’m pretty sure of it — could I be swinging back to hypomania? I wouldn’t say no — I could stand a dose of get up and go to keep chugging along on The Bipolar Blogger Network. I need to be getting the word out more, but I get all sheepish about it… hypomaniac periods are great for getting past that reticence and making stuff happen.
For now though, I won’t beat myself up. Time lost in self-loathing… I’d rather not. I’ll circle back around and manage to pin my brain down enough to make stuff happen when I do. And that is the best I can do for myself. *nods firmly*
Holy shiznit! This is how I am feeling as of late… I mean really, I need to keep a note pad by my side, so I can write all of my thoughts down… Or maybe I need a voice recorder to record my thoughts. (thought: I have one on my mp3 player… I should figure out how to use it)
I’m thinking about doing a webisode type thing. Once a week only, on a topic on Bipolar or maybe just Mental Health in general… I haven’t thought it all through yet… but I did get a webcam, and it should be here tomorrow. (Birthday gift! got another gift card in the mail today) Now, it’s not an unreasonable purchase, because I want it for video chatting also. But I HAVE been soooooooooooo shopping happy!
I see whats going on. I am aware of what I am doing, but I am trying to watch myself because who else is going to? I’ve been quite erratic as of late, but I’m not too far gone yet.
By the way…. Got a book called Buzzkill on my kindle today. It’s this guys story of his journey with BP2… I JUST started it today, but hopefully when my mind quiets down and the kids go to bed, I can immerse myself in it. Any of you read it? If so, what did you think?
So, with all of that being said, I’m going to hit the shower and get my jamjam’s on and settle in for the night.