My anxiety and paranoia are off the charts again. I left the shop early because my stupid brain became convinced I looked hideous in a dress (yes I wore a dress in an effort to feel less butch and more feminine) and even R was judging me and I became super self conscious and paranoid. I was also worried about the sanctity of my safe zone.
Once home, I changed and felt good about myself for about a half hour.
Then a mirror told me the truth, that I make Shamu look thin, and now I am down in the gutter again. And before anyone tells me to stop shoveling food down my gullet and I won’t have anything to whine about…keep in mind I had kept the weight off and lost some before the Abilify. The damn anti psychotics do it to me every fucking time. My extra pounds come from an addiction to Dr Pepper, not food, I don’t eat that much because that would require me to cook.
And I drank just as much soda prior to the weight gain, so pardon me if I think the medication plays a large role.
I don’t know if I can hack this Abilify. The restless feeling, the lack of focus worsened times ten, the feeling of my skeleton trying to crawl out of my skin…This shit is supposed to be making me calmer, less paranoid, in a better mind frame. It is doing none of these things. I am pissed off and frustrated about it,too. Seems the only emotions I have anymore are pissed off and frustrated. One more med failure is not what I need, which is why I am trying to make lemonade out of lemons and tough it out to give it a chance to work some magic. It’s not working, though, at all.
A friend told me she just tells them what they want to hear when it comes to meds working or not working because they don’t listen anyway. I wish I had the ability to be passive and give up. I don’t. I am determined to find my magic bullet.
21 years, 20 some odd meds, and still no magic.
Now pardon me, my skeleton is crawling out of my skin and I must go chase it down.