Two days now.
Two days of going to the shop and counting down the minutes because I can’t sit still and my skeleton is crawling out of my skin and my anxiety is at fever pitch.
I even made a special trip home today because I felt so out of sorts, I needed to make sure all was okay at home. No fires, no vandalism, power still on (fuckers still haven’t moved that fence next door so I am living in goddamned terror and the landlord won’t do a fucking thing!). Only once I saw my sanctuary was still in tact could I return to the shop and feel calm(er).
I’m also getting that familiar old “gotta be home before 5pm” anxiety. I have no idea why. During the winter it was because it got dark so early and my sight for driving at night is crap.
Now, I don’t know what it is, it just feels compulsory that I be in the door as close to 4:40 pm as possible.
I hate living like this, it’s not living at all, it’s existing and freaking out every moment of said existence.
I try to talk myself out of it, I try to shock myself out of it. Nothing works.
The Abilify is doing fuck all for the paranoia because, as I tried to tell her, the paranoia is born of anxiety. An increase in Xanax would be more helpful for the paranoia.
I’m just the patient, though, I don’t know anything.
I’m also particularly bitchy because of the heat.
Nearly ripped Kenny’s head off, but damn, he was pissing me off. He says some stupid shit at times.
One more day in the petri dish survived, now just to survive a sweaty evening at home.