Daily Archives: June 10, 2012

My Saviour

Thank God for these little puppies! I think they just saved me from flipping out much worse. I’m much more calmer now. It’s a pity that I have to turn to medication to quell this rage. Thankfully I still have some though. It has gotten me out of a lot of jams…. This is my Rescue Med.

light at the end of the tunnel

i’ve been reading the thoughtful comments that some of you have posted.  i really do appreciate how much you engage with my blog. i will fully respond to them a little later.  right now, i have a burst of motivation to clean and organize my house and i have to act on it asap.

the good news is, i may have a place to move up in the Pacific Northwest, which will be a welcome departure from the Southwest region.  secondly, my landlord may let me out of my lease a month early to get a new tenant in.  this means i will save several hundred dollars that would otherwise have been spent on rent and utilities and can now put that money toward july bills and moving.  XBF said it would probably be okay for me and my motley crew of animals to stay with him for the final weeks of summer school, so i can still participate in an advanced statistics seminar that i had planned on attending.

i usually only listen to this song after getting over a break up.  it’s the sound of release, freedom, and open doors to new adventures.  i think in this case, i’ll make an exception.  :)


Nowhere to Turn

I’m still livid about last night. But what has made it worse, is that I never got an apology. And when I brought this up, I was told that he didn’t know what he needed to apologize for…. Really? And he didn’t want the apology to be empty. In turn I said, if I had to tell him what he needed to apologize for, it would still be an empty apology… so I wasn’t going to tell him what he needed to apologize about. He should think about it and get back to me… But I wasn’t holding my breath.

I’m so fucking snarky when I’m mad. 

But really? he doesn’t know what to say sorry about? Here is a list of what I think he needs to be sorry about:

  1. Not responding to my 2 text messages that I sent 
  2. Not bringing my kids home when he said he was going to.
  3. DRINKING after he broke down on Friday and told me he had a problem, when he drinks he can’t stop, and he makes excuses to do it.
  4. Not being able to speak to me in a coherent fashion last night when he DID some home.

We don’t fight often. Hardly ever. And it’s usually me that gets ticked off about something. But I think I am justified in being pissed off… Would you agree?

And then my 18 year old is here today… and told me I’m stupid for not telling him I loved him when he left to go pick up his vehicle. And if something happened to him I would beat myself up because I didn’t tell him I love him because I am mad at him for something “stupid”. I told her she didn’t even know what I was mad about. I don’t want to tell her everything that has happened this weekend. She just knows he got drunk last night and that I slept on the couch. That is all she needs to know right now. 

But I need to talk to someone about this, and I have no one to tell. I could talk to my sister, but she will have no advice. I could talk to my mom, but she would just get pissed. I could talk to my BFF, but she isn’t home plus he is home so it’s not like I can say anything to anyone…

Inside I am dying. My heart hurts so much. And I know to some of you, this must sound so damn petty… But this is a huge hairy deal…

I’m thinking about Alanon. Because I need to turn to somewhere for help. Because I am just so fucking mad at him right now. And right now he needs help and support, not anger. And I know this, but all I can think about is how much he has pissed me off and hurt ME…. I’m so fucking selfish.

Doop Doop

Nothing special, just more Simming. Whee Simming!

*gets back to that*

Addendum

he got home at 12:30 with 2 of the 3 children. The oldest one is staying the night. Yes he had been drinking (Color me not so shocked!). No, he didn’t drive home. Someone from the party drove him and the kids home. The 5 year old came home with a knot under her eye, which she says got there by someone hitting her with a baseball bat.

Someone is sleeping alone tonight. I am fucking livid. I asked for an explanation and got “I don’t know..” What the hell, are you 12?!?!?

Don’t Piss Off The Crazy Lady

 

My husband went to a college graduation party…. with the kids. It’s not a “kegger” or a frat party, just his friends wife graduated. And there is a long sorted story there… But the point is, the kids are with him. He has been gone since 4 and it is now a little after 11. My kids… which includes a 5 year old that turns into Medusa when she is tired. He told me he would be home between 9 and 10. And like I said, it is now 11. And what makes me even more mad? He is NOT answering my texts. So, I have had to text my 13 year old to see how the 5 year old is… and all I got back was “Fine”.

I really hope he has not been drinking. Because these people like to drink. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but… the hubby just confessed to realizing he has a drinking problem on Friday. Which is something we all have been telling him, but you know, you have to figure it out yourself… And I am glad he admited his problem. But… he is at a party, not answering my texts, with my kids, at going on 11:30 at night when he told me he was going to be home between 9 and 10.

You would think after all these years together, he would realizie you don’t want to piss me off? Pissing me off does bad things. Like, I get no sleep. Which triggers the mania… which is just fucking bad. But he can’t see my brain wrapped up in an ace bandage or a cast or halo or anything VISIBLE so I am perfectly fine.

Not to mention, I can NOT STAND when people do not answer my texts…. I’m not going to bother calling because you won’t answer, so at least answer my fucking text with a “sorry” or something.

So, somewhere along the way he thought it would  be cool to piss off the lady who has Bipolar. Who is NOT on medication. What the fuck is wrong with him???

And what the hell is wrong with me that I get this pissed? Oh yeah, Bipolar! But I want to control this. I want to let this go. But irritability turns into rage… It’s one or the other… there is no middle ground and it fucking sucks.

CRASH

I have reached the portion of my day where I finally got my kid to sleep and I am free to do whatever I couldn’t do during the day…

Only now I am too exhausted to do shit.

And my mood has crashed severely.

People wonder why I go to bed at 8,9 o clock then wake up at 12 or 1 am only to crash again at 4 or 5 am…

Well, it’s the only way I get any me time.

Right now, just typing this is wearing me out, it feels like trudging uphill in molasses.

I fucking hate depression.

I also hate that when the xanax wears off (after 14 hours, mind you, I do try to tough it out) I start hearing shit and getting jittery and paranoid.

I think I am going to curl up on the couch.

The bedroom seems too far away.

I’m not lazy.

I am just drained.