Daily Archives: June 5, 2012

mixed

so… today begins a mixed episode… I feel the depression creeping in, but yet my mind is running a mile a minute with all kinds of ideas that are good, but I know it’s just because my mind is a bit hypomanic at the moment. Does that make sense, my feels are depressed, but my mind is racing with far out ideas? I guess so, that is why they call it mixed. this fucking blows…

p.s. sorry for the potty mouth as of late…

p.s.s. i have been reading all of my followers blogs. just wanted you to know. i just haven’t had anything wise to respond with. and then when I do, I wonder if you even want a response…

Desensibilisation

Work trip to a nearby big city today. Journey in rather full train, walk through a very crowded train station, waiting for 10 minutes in a bustling underground station and ride in very full subway. And back. 

All mastered with flying colours. No panic at all, just a bit uncomfortable at times. 

Coping mechanism: Verdi Requiem full blast over the earphones 😀 

And I even ate some take away food in the middle of a big crowd in a shopping center. 

Go me. I did these things while on the meds, but before them, I haven´t been able to do most of them for years. Now just to fix this stuff in my head, that I can do it, even if I AM more nervous than while on medication, but it is not incapacitating nervous, just a bit antsy. Yay.

Cloudy, With a Side of Blank

Still sort of flopped out without anything to mind. My notebooks sit here, taunting me with their blankness. I’m at a loss for what to say, so I shall not pressure myself to say anything more at all.

<3

lithium update

i can’t sleep so i thought i’d channel some energy through writing in the hopes that i might get some peace of mind.  i’m tired, exhausted really, but when i closed my eyes i started remembering traumatic events that had my pulse up and my body twitching.

i’ve been taking 900 mg of lithium for about two weeks now.  i think there is a lot of misinformation out there so i want to keep everyone posted on my own personal experience.  personally i read a ton of hype on the net about negative effects associated with lithium.  my own sister refused to take it based on the connotation of the word alone and i nearly followed suit.

so here it is, Clint Eastwood-style

The Good

Life is, on average, decidedly more…”stable” so to speak.  My thoughts run at a reasonable pace and I’m not fidgeting as much.  The depression has been alleviated for the most part which feels like a fucking miracle.  Sometimes I feel a bit hypomanic which is a welcome relief from the 2 tons of weight depression seemed to heave on my shoulders.

The Bad

I do feel a little crazy sometimes but it is definitely mild and passes quickly.  it’s like a sense of feeling unconnected to things and slightly high.  that could be the hypomania though. i drink water like i’m running a marathon in the sahara desert.  and i have to pee, constantly.  Sometimes I even feel feverish or flushed, which i attribute to not drinking enough water.

The Ugly

My skin is reliving middle school.  Lithium can make you break out like a mofo which is fucking obnoxious.  Since my crippling depression, I have basically eliminated all makeup from my daily regimen so that probably helps.  Oh, and lithium can give you the shits.  Thank goodness I mostly work from home.

My psychiatrist tells me that many of the side effects I’m experiencing will subside as my body acclimates to the lithium.  We’ll see.  I certainly don’t want diarrhea for the rest of my life.  That’s what I call a deal breaker.

Lithium is a mood stabilizer; however, it is not a body cast that shields me from any and all fluctuations.  This may be due to the fact that I’m not fully stabilized yet, or possibly due to PTSD, but I am still incredibly sensitive to stress.  For example, I tried to reactivate my old facebook account (the one with all of my friends and family etc) and I was signed on for less than a minute before I started to panic and deactivated the account again.  My objective these days is to simplify as much as possible so life is manageable.


Memories

I don’t understand what is going on with me… My mind wanders to the past every now and then, and I start thinking about my first mother in law (yeah, I’m kinda on my 3rd one right now and am pretty sure there will be no more). I check her FB page from time to time to see what she is up to and see if she is ok. I loved her to death. I’ll never forget, the first time I met her she called me a hussy… Really, she did. And we were good friends from then on out. Until her son and I split. He always told me he never wanted to end up like his mom and dad, he wanted us to be friendly always. That didn’t work out so well… I tried to reach out to his sister, and she never responded to my message. And that is ok. I also want to reach out to his mom, and just tell her how much I miss her and I hope she is doing well and I think of her often… And not in a creepy stalker kind of way, but in a fond memory kinda way. But I don’t want her son to know I contacted her, because his wife is a bitch and she wants me to have nothing to do with him. Which is fine… It’s been 20 years, I am over him…. It’s all good. But it’s like I want to explain to his mom what was wrong with me back then. And how I was fucked in the head, so she would understand. But really I just wanna say hi. And that’s it. Is there something wrong with that? I feel like there is. Memories can really fuck you in the head.

my dog is a pill popper

have you ever wondered what it would feel like to pick out all of your groceries, wait in line, get rung up, bagged and ready to go, only to have your card declined?

well let me tell you.

it’s pretty fucking awkward.  i knew i was pushing it on this card, but it’s the last one i’ve got and when i checked the mail earlier today my new debit card hadn’t arrived yet.  i stuck to the basics: meat, cheese, a few vegetables, chocolate chip cookies (don’t try to tell me those aren’t essential; i will cut you).  my stomach was grumbling and my mouth was salivating because i hadn’t eaten since sometime yesterday.  i think i was holding my breath as i swiped the card, and my fears were realized: UNABLE TO PROCESS displayed on the screen.  the lady asked if i wanted to swipe it again and i knew it was pointless but did it anyway out of some attempt to maintain my dignity.  unfortunately, my dignity was making a beeline for the door.  she asked if i wanted them to store it in the cooler for an hour and i said yes.  i’m not sure why.  i didn’t have another way of paying.

i came home empty handed.  my stomach hurt but i figured i could make oatmeal until my debit card arrived.  i looked at little dog C and said, well, what the hell.  let’s go check the mail box again (he always accompanies me to the mailbox as part of his off leash training).  lo and behold there it was!  my personal soundtrack was blasting “haaaaallelujah!” as i headed back to the store.  i waited in the same line and the checker told me, ‘you can eat now’ as i was leaving.  you’re goddamn right about that!

i got home.  it seemed all was going better today!  although i woke up extremely anxious and with a mood score of 18%, i thought i had done a decent job of turning it around.  my apartment was moderately clean.  rent was paid for not one, but TWO months.  i had more than my brita filter in my fridge.  yes.  it was time to settle down with some peanut butter and write a blog post.

except i couldn’t find my glasses.  i checked the kitchen, living room, back office, bedroom, bathroom…twice each.  i started to dread that big dog A had found them and they were mangled beyond repair, so i peeked outside to the patio.  and that’s when i saw them.

pills.  everywhere.  pink ones and peach ones and white ones.  lithium, prozac, multivitamins, oh my!  my daily reminder pill box was strewn among the wreckage, mangled beyond recognition.  tuesday was somewhere off to the left and i don’t even know where monday went.  suddenly i’m facing gigantic veterinary bills as i imagine having to get his stomach pumped.  my daily mantra has become “you have got to be shitting me”.

i didn’t even know i had a resonating voice, but apparently i do.  i kind of surprised myself as i shouted big dog A’s name and demanded he go to his crate.  once he was locked away, i went outside, heart racing, trying not to cry as i counted pills.  1, 2, 3, 4… i counted 6 days worth of lithium on the ground.  whew.  all accounted for.  he didn’t go for the prozac either.  all of the fish oil pills were gone as were 3 multivitamins.

my pill box had been dead center on my coffee table.  big dog A has never taken something off of a table surface before and i had no reason to expect him to start.  i suspect i’ve turned my dog into a pill popper though.  once, not too long ago, he got into my valium.  not even sure where that pill bottle was, but when i came home it was chewed open and pills were all over the couch.  and big dog A was HAPPY.  hoooooooo boy was he happy.  happy, and fucking high off his ass.  if dogs could giggle, he’d be in fits i’m sure of it.  i called the emergency vet and thankfully they thought the amount he had ingested was okay.  still, i stayed up all night to keep an eye on him.

only now, i think he’s looking to get high.  what’s a pet parent supposed to do??

i can see it now.  soon this apartment is going to resemble a half way house more than an apartment.  my cat will be trying to quit the catnip.  big dog A will be sneaking into my cupboards while i’m gone trying to sniff out meds.  little dog c will start his own line of designer drugs and i’ll find him cooking down chemicals in the bathroom.  me?  i’m going to be sitting in a corner with my chocolate chip cookies, twitching.