Life since our Panama Trip

I have not been feeling well at all lately, and it is due to many things, and being Bipolar doesn’t help. At All. As a matter of fact, it makes things much worse.

I have been on edge lately…firstly I want to say is Thank Heavens we decided to rent this house instead of buying it, we have had plumbing problems that resulted in not having water for a day & a half, dealing with a pain in the ass landlord [we had to find a plumber, because everyone he called wouldn’t work for him, he is that much of an asshole] and other things which just made me want to lose my shit. I have been trying so hard to keep it together, and it just seems like there is always something that seems to go just a little bit wrong and it has the potential to upset me for days on end…..and I am talking about the kind of upset that just makes my head & body hurt, I cry and then I want to just retreat and lie down with my Anti Stress Eye Pillow which has Lavender & Chamomile & Flax Seed inside of it, it is encased in a Pure silk pouch. I feel like a woman from Victorian Times, except that I don’t have a “Fainting Couch”. It is really quite pathetic….oh how I do hate myself.

I have not been getting along very well with my personal relationships, except for my Son, he is the bright spot…he always tells me “Mother, you are the best Mother anyone could ever have” and I get all choked up and I always reply “you are the best Son anyone could ever have.” He is such a precious little soul, highly intelligent and kind. I am so lucky to have such a sweet boy. We just had a parent-teacher mini conference where they handed out the grades for the first trimester and my Son has a 97% GPA, so he is an A+! His Teacher & the Principal told me that they think he is brilliant, having genius-like intelligence.[ there is talk about getting him tested for that, the Principal is going to recommend me to someone about that]  I am so proud of him, he really loves his School and he loves Science & Math excessively. He even does extra workbooks that I bought in BC at a Cool Child, it is a store where they have all educational stuff, from toys to books to home-schooling supplies. At home he swims like a little fish, he now can do somersaults in the pool and a handstand! We got it all on video with our digital camera, it was on Sunday that he mastered those 2 feats. He is also very single minded about things, he loves Lego & Hero Factory & Bionicles…..he is constantly coming up with new improved designs, and he regularly visits the Lego & other websites, after he has completed his homework, of course. He helps for me to remember things, and his presence always makes me smile.

As far as my other personal relationships go, well……..that is an entirely different kettle of fish……My Spouse has been having a hard time dealing with the Fool of a Landlord, the Plumber [who is an awesome guy, he used to be the Mayor of the Town that I live in] and of course, with me and the Bipolar Monkey on my back. I have made him very upset, and I honestly don’t really know why…..is it because I am so sensitive and fragile that he just can’t deal with my moods any longer? He has asked me more than once if I could just “stop being Bipolar” and that just kills me…..I get a pit in my stomach so big that you could fit the Grand Canyon in it……sometimes I get angry at him, he knows that it is impossible for me to not be Bipolar. I feel like it is very unfair of him to say that to me…..when I don’t get angry, I withdraw……and being alone with my own thoughts is not always the best thing, because my train of thoughts that are flying through my head sometimes get on the wrong track and that can be quite destructive. I have felt like hurting myself at times, but then I think about my Son…..and those thoughts seem to dissipate. Sometimes I wonder how I am going to go on, I know I have to but I don’t know how I am going to be able to do it.

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