Loss

I hate it when two feelings happen at once, and you have to choose which way to feel. 

The story goes something like this:

I was busy all day yesterday (and the night before) getting ready for my daughters graduation gathering… My mom calls in the afternoon “Are you ok?” I answer,”Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” then she says “Oh, I guess you haven’t been on Facebook.” 

At this point I knew what had happened… My lifelong friend/bestfriend from childhood’s grandmother had passed away. “Granny” was my adopted grandmother. I lived in California and my only living grandparent lived in Ohio, so I didn’t see much of her, So Granny and her sister “Auntie” were my grandmotherly figures. Everyone loved Granny. She was AMAZING! And the stories I could tell! She was a fun woman, and always looked beautiful! Hair done, make-up done, dressed to the nines…. 

I hurried up and turned on FB, and there it was. My friend had posted about it. My heart sunk. My mind said: “You don’t have time to deal with this right now… move along!” And I felt so. fucking. guilty. about that.

It seems like death surrounds my oldest daughter’s big days. On one of her birthdays I had come home from the hospital after I had delivered my still born. And that was the flashback I had yesterday… I couldn’t let her see me cry. I couldn’t grieve the way I wanted to right then and there. Not to mention we have company right now.

I sent my friend a note last night, letting her know I wanted to send flowers or do something in lieu of flowers. And she sent me a lovely note back. It was the first thing I read this morning. And it was like a reminder to my heart that something was not right in the universe.

Still, I’m choosing not to let this affect me. I have to put on a happy face. I want to cry so bad. I’m holding it back. And now I have to figure out when I’m going to grieve Granny’s loss. 

In terms of my bipolar, I’m hoping this doesn’t set me off. I have already noticed that I’m a bit on edge and short tempered today, but I have a lot of other things running through my head.

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