Daily Archives: May 21, 2012

3 am confusion rant

Mon 5/21/12 3:39 a.m.

Woke up at ten til 3.
Got up.
Am burning candles, chain smoking, and writing this.
I have no clue why my brain won’t stay asleep for more than a couple of hours at a time.
It’s irritating.

But then taking massive doses of heavy duty pills to sleep isn’t just irritating, it’s zombie-fying, so that doesn’t work for me either.
It’s a suck it up lesser evil thing.

I have been pondering the last half hour or so if perhaps I am unfair in judging people because of my bipolar or because I am so neurotic.
I don’t believe I am. I mean, I had that gut feeling about The Donor, and I chose to let him sway me otherwise, so I am now a firm believer in heeding the warnings your own gut sends out.
I am, of course, thinking about how much I do not like R’s wife or her son.
There’s something about them, they come across pleasant, but it’s stilted, like there’s this insincerity and smarrogance mixed with disdain. (Not, that is NOT a typo, I coined the term smarrogant to describe the Donor when he was being both smug and arrogant.)
I search my gut and soul trying to figure out what my problem is with them, specifically, as opposed to a gut feeling.
They’re nice, at least to my face.
There’s just something I can’t explain that sets the alarm bells ringing.
And I don’t know if I am merely being a paranoid, or if my gut is once again telling me I am in rattlesnake territory as I was with The Donor.

Sigh…
Being bipolar means being perpetually confused about your own emotions.

I suppose I could be watching the new Underworld movie right now, I borrowed it from my mom’s roommate.
I just have so much trouble getting into movies, it seems to take forever for my interest to be captured. With my attention span being that of a gnat, if the movie has any preamble for storyline reasons, I am bored and shutting it off after ten minutes. Plus, sequels are notoriously horrid.
Still…I have a soft spot for the whole vampire thing.
I will save it for later when I am perhaps in a better mind frame. Right now, I am sort of numb and just…
Blecchhh.

Maybe folding laundry or doing dishes will pep me up.
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. God, I’m so funny.


Mood crashing zombie

Sun May 20 2012 7:05 pm

My mood started out pretty good today.
As the hours have worn on, the mood has severely crashed.
I am back in all-I-wanna-do-is-go-to-bed-and-sleep territory.

I am also feeling guilt tripped to within an inch of my life, since my mother pointed out that I don’t spend much time with my kid anymore. Like I choose to go gallivanting about to avoid my kid and purposely leave the responsibility on my mom. I swear her only goal in life is to make others feel lousy, it seems to be the only thing that makes her feel good about herself. I’d love to be wealthy enough not to have to venture outside the home away from raising my daughter. I don’t have that luxury and I resent the hell out of my mom for making me feel so guilty and defensive. She worked when we were kids. Of course, she says it’s only because dad “made” her work.
I love my mom.
I just don’t often like her psychological war games.

I got much accomplished around the homestead today. Spent a couple of hours at the shop with R and Kenny. R confided in me that he felt “more at home” with Kenny and I last night than he’d felt with anyone else who was there.
It’s the platypus noise over the PA that won him over. ;)
I was out of it by then, sleepy, overly warm and sweaty, unfocused, missing my kid…
Then they bring her back and all she does is whine and fuss and try to kill the kittens and repeat herself like a broken record, making my nerves cringe under my skin.
I’d definitely like to know why I have become super extraordinarily high strung here as of late. I’ve always had pretty bad anxiety and panic but lately,it seems to be a whole different monster, much  much more prevalent and encompassing.
I do not like it.

I also don’t like that it’s ten after 7 and I am ready to go to bed. We are having a thunderstorm, I should be elated as I love storms. I just want to sleep. That could well be sleep deprivation, though. And depression has an impact, too.
Nor do I like the fact that I have been reading the same book for five days now and am still 60 pages from the end. It’s like my attention span left the building along with Elvis.

I am also gravely concerned with Spook’s behavior. She seems to like being mean to animals, sometimes doing it in front of me, other times waiting til I have walked away for a moment. She holds the kittens by the throat, tosses them to the floor, grabs them brutally…And she puts on the tears and tantrum “I’m sorry, Mommy” act but it lacks any sincerity whatsoever. I know she’s not quite three, she’s a normal toddler, yada yada.
I just cannot tolerate animal abuse, ever, by anyone, for any reason.
My own kid doing it disgusts me on a level I can’t even describe.
And my paranoid crazy brain starts its hamster wheel spiel where I envision my kid being a total socio or psychopath. That I am responsible for creating and unleashing such a creature in the world.
Ridiculous, perhaps.
But it’s a very real scenario to me when I catch her throttling a cat and tell her to stop and she stands there and grins for about ten seconds before turning on the tears. It freaks me out.

I thought I was getting better.
I was apparently mistaken.
The crazy paranoia is as bad as it ever was, if not worse.
I am more high strung than ever bore.
Every noise my kid makes is like nails on a chalkboard and my inner ears cringe because the sound is so loud and shrill it actually causes me physical pain.
I fucking hate mood crashes.


And the dysfunctional hits keep on coming

Sun 5/20/12 11:38 pm

The fucking dog next door is barking its head off and really irritating me. Like toss in a rabid wombat irritated.
(Never mind, it’s a Phineus and Ferb thing.)

I put Spook to bed around 7:40 pm.
And I was asleep before 8 pm.
Those depressive exhaustion mood drops just kick your ass from out of nowhere.

I slept til after 11pm. Now here I am, cobwebs on my brain, wondering why I’m not back in my bed snoring like a Snorlax. (It’s a Pokemon thing.)
Maybe because that stupid dog won’t stop barking long enough for me to calm my mind and racing heart and go back to sleep.

I’m supposed to be at the shop in about nine hours.
Not that it matters whether I get there at 8:30 or 10:30, I can do my job in my sleep at this point, since I did spend the better part of 11 years having a torrid affair with my computer and the internet, so looking up parts isn’t exactly difficult for me. Though some of them, when they’re all out of stock, used and iffy, or wayyyy out of his price range can be stressful and frustrated. I always feel like it’s somehow my fault that I can’t “work my discount whore magic” but if a part is out of stock at ten distributors, what the hell can I do about it?
Think my point, before I began to expatiate, is that I can stay up awhile and still sleep a little and not have to bust my butt to get out the door “on time”. I have little doubt Kenny will be there, he hangs out there every day of the bloody week as long as he’s not working, and he doesn’t seem to work often. Let him look up some parts if my absence is such a hardship.

Hmmm…I guess my mood is still pretty low. I’m feeling bitchy.
And I think I am going back to bed.
The brain cobwebs are winning.
It pisses me off to take the bloody meds to sleep and wake up in two or three hours.
The dysfunction of my own mind and body never cease to amaze me.


Bedtime panic

Wed 5/16/12 10:28 pm

Now is the time to be slowing down, getting sleepy. I have had .25 mg of xanax, and 5mg of Elavil. Instead of soothing and calming me, I can feel my heart ricocheting off my chest walls like bullets inside a metal closet.
I do not like it. It freaks me out, quite honestly.
I don’t know why this is happening every night at bed time lately. New meds, maybe? New stressors?
I did call the dr office and ask if I could have an increase in the elavil due to the sleep disturbance and the doctor okayed it.
But…
I’d be a liar if I didn’t say a part of me kind of enjoys the restless hyper hypomania. After five months in SAD lethargy land, it’s nice not to drown myself in sleep to avoid reality.
Of course, now I am drowning myself in reality, which is keeping from sleeping.
I can’t win.


Welcome to the Bipolar Type 2 blog….

Hello and welcome!

I decided to start up a BP2 blog. Why you ask? Well, the board that I helped admin was recently switched to a blog of sorts and I found that I didn’t really have any place to talk about my issues anymore.  So, I just decided to start this blog. I was thinking about a message board, but am kind of torn. So, I think we will just see how things go here, and if I have enough followers after time, maybe I’ll kick start a new message board.

So, I have BP2. Was diagnosed about 8 years ago. I was on a slew of meds and now I am med free for the most part. I take the occasional Ativan when I feel like I’m going to blow my stack. I don’t go to therapy anymore either. But just because I don’t take meds anymore, or don’t go to therapy anymore, doesn’t mean my BP has gone, because it hasn’t. I’ve only been off  meds for about a year. And I went off of meds for a number of reasons… It was kind of a cluster of guilt, shame, lack of funds to support my medical needs both psychologically and physically. Last time I was at the family physician (which was about a year ago as well), I had a bad liver, high cholesterol, hypothyroidism, tested positive for lupus, have arthritis in my lower back. All of that on top of the BP was just too much for me to take on. I had to do something, so going off of everything was what I did.

That is not to say that I advise anyone to do what I did, because I don’t. I just kind of didn’t have a choice. And everything is going ok. I haven’t had a major melt down as of yet.

But I still need someplace to vent and share my experiences, so this place is here now. I don’t know how often I will be posting, so I guess just keep an eye on this place. :)

 

Draggy Drowsy Dopey Day

The last couple of days have been increasingly zombified in the morning; this morning I hit the point in the ‘cycle’ where I almost fell asleep on my desk while trying to answer a simple query. Hours, caffeine, water, and light exercise later, and I’m still half asleep!

As I slug through this torpor, I think on the subject of helping others. To me, it should not be a monetized thing unless you’re a doctor or a shrink or the like; I feel that helping others should be a primarily altruistic thing. That improving the lives of others should be all the reward in the world – you have helped breed good, which will further help breed good, which will make the world a better place.

Don’t get me wrong – I get that people need to make money to eat and pay the bills. I am indeed gainfully employed, though I fully admit that I am spoiled rotten that said job comes with free daycare, food, and spare time (it’s a family business, ha ha – all the perks of getting paid, staying home, and not having to fake a smile). But even were I not spoiled in that regard, I’d still want to help other people. It’s my ‘thing’, I guess – being the eldest of four, I had momma duties instilled in me early. I’ve also always been something of an outcast by dint of being from my mother’s first marriage; various members of my (step)father’s family were fond of reminding me that I wasn’t a relation while ramping up the emotional torture. So suspecting that others with bipolar such as myself, knowing that many are quiet about their mental battle, were probably feeling similarly isolated… how could I not want to try to extend a hand?

Aaaand my train of thought has derailed – d’oh! Ah well, such is life. :)

<3